Why you should shut your doors, bar your windows, and hide the children
“It is fair to characterize...the situation as serious.” The World Health Organization (WHO), the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and the governments of several countries have declared a state of heightened alert due to an outbreak in recent days of a new type of deadly flu virus: swine flu.
Swine flu is generally seen only in pigs, as the name suggests, however a new strain, the WHO reports, has spread to humans in at least three countries and possibly seven countries. The CDC and WHO both classify this outbreak as a possible pandemic, meaning that it is a virus that humans have no built-up immunity to. Governments and international organizations are urging citizens to remain calm.
The country hardest-hit by the virus, known as swine influenza type A (H1N1), is Mexico, where at least 20 people have died and a possible 1,400 have been infected. Two other countries, the United States and Canada, have reported laboratory-confirmed cases but no fatalities. So far, all cases outside of Mexico have been relatively mild, and are treatable with a range of medicines.
Simply the fact that no-one in the United States has yet died of swine flu, or, as it is also called, #baconflu, does not mean that it does not have the potential to become a life-shattering, God-playing, heartless epidemic of heretofore unseen proportions. It has them.
Viruses are made of proteins, and are not technically animals. Viruses do not have feelings, nor do they have intentions. Obviously, this “virus” is not a true virus at all; this flu has malevolent intentions and it is evidently its intention to destroy the whole human race and replace it with a super-species of swine.
This Orwellian usurpation of human power by mere pigs cannot be tolerated, and we must fight it with every fiber of out beings! We shall defend our island whatever the cost may be; we shall fight on beaches, landing grounds, in fields, in streets and on the hills. We shall never surrender. The wretched pig-virus alliance shall not stand, it shall not triumph. We are brave, patriotic, and red-blooded Americans, and we shall be victorious!
It is to aid us in the coming fight that Foliage, in cooperation with the United States Department of Homeland Security and Preservation of Bodily Fluids, has developed the following Swine Flu Awareness System. We hope that it will prove an invaluable guide and asset during the long struggle ahead. Remember, we shall not flag nor fail. We shall go on to the end.
SPAM - ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE LEVEL OF DANGER OF SWINE FLU. ALSO, A PATRIOTIC LUNCH MEAT.
BACON - VERY HIGH LEVEL OF DANGER OF SWINE FLU OR OF BEING BURNED BY SPLATTERED GREASE. CANNOT BE SUBSTITUTED FOR CANADIAN BACON.
HAM - AN ELEVATED LEVEL OF RISK FROM SWINE FLU. JUST BECAUSE IT’S DELICIOUS DOESN’T MEAN IT’S NOT PLOTTING YOUR DEMISE.
PROSCIUTTO - AT THIS LEVEL, SWINE FLU IS BELIEVED TO ONLY INFECT FOREIGNERS.
ORGANIC - MOSTLY HARMLESS.