AHS Foliage

Foliage's New Home

2009-07-28T17:31:00.002-06:00

I, the Foliage editor of three years, am to become the official school newspaper editor next year. This leaves me with a bit of a conundrum: do I continue Foliage, and risk ruining the reputation of both papers, not to mention myself, or do I discontinue one or the other?

Neither of those options particularly appeal to me, so, instead of finding someone else to do Foliage by their lonesome (I will recruit, though), I will incorporate Foliage into the official school paper as a semi-regular column seeking to improve the school through satire. This lends Foliage credibility and gives it a larger audience.

This column status may be only temporary. In fact, I fully expect - and hope - that Foliage will return to being a paper in its own right, with a new editor, after I am gone. On the other hand, it could be absolutely hilarious to see it become a regular part of the "officially sanctioned" AHS paper.

The revolution continues; we have achieved our goal of infiltrating the press, now we must strive to bring freedom of thought and freedom of being to the masses.

The Foliage Guide to Bacon Flu - Vol. 3, Issue 3

2009-04-26T20:45:00.005-06:00

Why you should shut your doors, bar your windows, and hide the children

“It is fair to characterize...the situation as serious.” The World Health Organization (WHO), the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and the governments of several countries have declared a state of heightened alert due to an outbreak in recent days of a new type of deadly flu virus: swine flu.
Swine flu is generally seen only in pigs, as the name suggests, however a new strain, the WHO reports, has spread to humans in at least three countries and possibly seven countries. The CDC and WHO both classify this outbreak as a possible pandemic, meaning that it is a virus that humans have no built-up immunity to. Governments and international organizations are urging citizens to remain calm.
The country hardest-hit by the virus, known as swine influenza type A (H1N1), is Mexico, where at least 20 people have died and a possible 1,400 have been infected. Two other countries, the United States and Canada, have reported laboratory-confirmed cases but no fatalities. So far, all cases outside of Mexico have been relatively mild, and are treatable with a range of medicines.
Simply the fact that no-one in the United States has yet died of swine flu, or, as it is also called, #baconflu, does not mean that it does not have the potential to become a life-shattering, God-playing, heartless epidemic of heretofore unseen proportions. It has them.
Viruses are made of proteins, and are not technically animals. Viruses do not have feelings, nor do they have intentions. Obviously, this “virus” is not a true virus at all; this flu has malevolent intentions and it is evidently its intention to destroy the whole human race and replace it with a super-species of swine.
This Orwellian usurpation of human power by mere pigs cannot be tolerated, and we must fight it with every fiber of out beings! We shall defend our island whatever the cost may be; we shall fight on beaches, landing grounds, in fields, in streets and on the hills. We shall never surrender. The wretched pig-virus alliance shall not stand, it shall not triumph. We are brave, patriotic, and red-blooded Americans, and we shall be victorious!
It is to aid us in the coming fight that Foliage, in cooperation with the United States Department of Homeland Security and Preservation of Bodily Fluids, has developed the following Swine Flu Awareness System. We hope that it will prove an invaluable guide and asset during the long struggle ahead. Remember, we shall not flag nor fail. We shall go on to the end.

SPAM - ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE LEVEL OF DANGER OF SWINE FLU. ALSO, A PATRIOTIC LUNCH MEAT.
BACON - VERY HIGH LEVEL OF DANGER OF SWINE FLU OR OF BEING BURNED BY SPLATTERED GREASE. CANNOT BE SUBSTITUTED FOR CANADIAN BACON.
HAM - AN ELEVATED LEVEL OF RISK FROM SWINE FLU. JUST BECAUSE IT’S DELICIOUS DOESN’T MEAN IT’S NOT PLOTTING YOUR DEMISE.
PROSCIUTTO - AT THIS LEVEL, SWINE FLU IS BELIEVED TO ONLY INFECT FOREIGNERS.
ORGANIC - MOSTLY HARMLESS.

The Foliage Guide to the Financial Crisis, Vol. 3 Issue 2

2008-10-06T12:57:00.003-06:00

Wall Street stricken with Gang Green

You may have heard recently, if you watch the news, or read the paper, or don’t have your head stuck in the ground, that the United States is in the midst of a financial crisis. The reasons for this crisis are varied and of a multiplicital nature. Although many “reputable” news outlets are reporting that the crisis was caused by large banks lending money to people they knew couldn’t pay it back, and then those banks going under because of it, the real reason is raptors and zombies.

We here at Foliage have alerted you to the danger that raptors and zombies pose to our God-fearing society before (see Foliage vol. 1, issues 1 and 6), but never have we seen such widespread chaos due to this menace. Prior to this financial crisis, raptor attacks have only occurred in small, out-of-the-way communities like New Orleans, Louisiana (and you thought Katrina was a hurricane…), but now the raptors are aiming for the main financial artery of our country: ~~Sesame Street~~ ~~Main Street~~ Wall Street.

The most frightening aspect of this crisis is not that the raptors are now dressing in suits and calling for the country to be put on the slippery slope to socialism, oh no, the most frightening thing about this is that the zombies are in cahoots with the raptors in the effort to destabilize the only last beacon of freedom and open-market capitalism in the entire universe: the liberty-loving United States of America, goddammit! The zombies have taken over the executive branch of government, even infecting that stalwart proponent of justice and freedom Dick Cheney. Thank God that our heroic Congress, even weakened as it is by raptor-sympathizers Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and John McCain, was able to vote down the largest bailout of communists in history. However, our brave Representatives in Congress were unable to block further attempts to pass such an anti-American piece of “legislation.”

At this point, as a loyal American and freedom-loving reader of Foliage, you must be asking,
“How can I stop the raptors from turning my country into a communist gulag?”

The answer, Americans, is to grab your guns and your money and shoot anything that asks you for either in the name of “charity” or “peace.” That’s just raptor-speak for “birth control” and “universal healthcare.” The country is headed into the worst financial crisis since the Panic of 1893, and the raptors on Wall Street and the zombies on Capitol Hill want nothing more than to use this opportunity to create the world’s largest socialist welfare state. We cannot let them win. We cannot allow our great country to be turned into a haven for beggars and cheese-eating surrender monkeys!

In summary, the US financial crisis was caused by communist raptors in league with congressional zombies promoting birth control and socialism.

STRENGTH THROUGH PURITY.
PURITY THROUGH FAITH.

The News - Volume 3, Issue 1

2008-09-03T13:01:00.002-06:00

[Editor’s Note: The following article is used with permission from SatireWire.com. It is not under the Creative Commons License that AHS Foliage is under. You may laugh at it, you may be confused by it, but frankly, you can’t do much more.]

High School Students Demand Wars in Easier-to-Find Countries
“How Come No One Fights in Big Famous Nations Anymore?” They Ask

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — A delegation of American high school students today demanded the United States stop waging war in obscure nations such as Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Bosnia-Herzegovina, and instead attack places they’ve actually heard of, such as France, Australia, and Austria, unless, they said, those last two are the same country.
“Shouldn’t we, as Americans, get to decide where wars are?” asked sophomore Kate Shermansky.
“People claim we don’t know as much geography as our parents and grandparents, but it’s so not our fault,” Josh Beldoni, a senior at Fischer High School in Los Angeles, told the Senate Armed Services Committee. “Back then they only had wars in, like, Germany and England, but we’re supposed to know about places like Somalia and Massachusetts.”
“Macedonia,” corrected committee Chairman Carl Levin of Michigan.
“See?” said Beldoni.
Beldoni’s frustration was shared by nearly three dozen students at the hearing, who blamed the U.S. military for making them look bad.
“I totally support our soldiers and all that, but I am seriously failing both geography and social studies because I keep getting asked to find Croatia or Yemvrekia, or whatever bizarre-o country we send troops to,” said Amelia Nash, a junior at Clark High School in Orlando, Fla. “Can’t we fight in, like, Italy? It’s boot-shaped.”
Chairman Levin however, explained that Italy was a U.S. ally, and that intervention is usually in response to a specific threat.
“OK, what about Arulco?” interrupted Tyler Boone, a senior at Bellevue High School in Wisconsin. “That’s a country in Jagged Alliance 2 run by the evil Queen Deidranna. I’m totally familiar with that place. She’s a major threat.”
“Jagged...?” said Levin.
“Alliance. It’s a computer game.”
“Well, no,” Levin answered. “We can’t attack a fictional country.”
“Yeah right,” Boone mumbled. “Like Grenada was real.”
The students’ testimony was supported by a cross-section of high school geography teachers, who urged the committee to help lay a solid foundation for America’s young people by curtailing any intervention abroad.
“Since the anti-terror war began, most of my students can now point to Afghanistan on a map, which is fine, but those same kids still don’t know the capitals of Nevada and Ohio,” said Richard Gerber, who teaches at Rhymony High School in Atlanta. “I think we need to cut back on our activities overseas and take care of business at home, and if that means invading Tallahassee (Fla.) or Trenton (N.J.) so that students learn where they are, so be it.”
“I’ve always wanted to stick it to Hartford (Conn.),” said Sen. Lincoln Chafee of Rhode Island. “Oh sh*t, is my microphone on?”
The hearing adjourned after six hours. An estimated 2,000 more students were expected to hold a march in the nation’s capital, but forgot which city it was in.
(Copyright © 1999-2002 SatireWire)

[Editor’s Note: This is an official Foliage article, written by a member of the Foliage staff.]

Eve Exonerated?

JERUSALEM — Startling new evidence in the case of Adam and Eve has been released today by the Biblical Claims Squad of the Israeli National Police Department.
Modern DNA testing has confirmed that Eve was not, as was previously believed, the tempter of Adam and the one who partook of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. This has been one of the most controversial stories of modern history, which began about 5,999 years ago.
Said Detective Inspector Jan Goldmanowitz of the Biblical Claims Squad, “finally we have solid, modern, irrefutable, true, and uncorrupted proof that Eve did not bite the apple. What kinds of implications does this have? Who knows how many errors in translation there are? God’s words are obviously not coming through clearly, and we need to clean out our ears. With science.”
Despite the enthusiasm and praise of many women’s rights groups, evangelicals have been quick to decry the testing. “We hear God fine, thank you very much,” said Pastor, Football Coach, and All-Around American Frank McAbel, “DNA testing is only 99.996% reliable, how can we trust something that has a disaccuracy rate of .004%? I know I can’t. That’s why I don’t use birth control. Can’t trust it.”
Other prominent religious figures were also outraged at the perceived credibility of the findings. In a statement issued by the Office of Papal-Scientific Affairs, the Vatican stated that “DNA testing is not recognized by the Catholic Church, or any of its subsidiary companies, as it is based on the Theory of Evolution, the Theory of Gravity, the Special Theory of Relativity, the General Theory of Relativity, the Big Bang Theory, Cell Theory, Atomic Theory, Critical Pedagogy Theory, Game Theory, the theory of Plate Tectonics, Chaos Theory, Music Theory, Proof Theory, and Social Theory. Therefore, DNA science cannot be proven and I am not the father. What? Not that? Oh, right, Eve. Therefore, it cannot be proven that Eve was not the one who did not refuse to partake of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge.”
Due to the low number of humans around at the time, none of these assertions can be absolutely confirmed or refuted.
The office of The Almighty was contacted for a comment on this story, but has not returned our messages at the time of this printing.

Changes

2008-08-25T22:09:00.002-06:00

First off, AHS Foliage has a new email, foliagespeaks@gmail.com. We were having technical problems with the old one, so if you want to contact the staff of AHS Foliage, leave a comment on this blog or send us an email at the aforementioned address.

Secondly, a new issue of Foliage is out and about at AHS and will be up on the blog shortly. The General Secretary has also made the arbitrary decision to post PDFs or JPGs of the issues because they're just so darn purty in print and so ugly in hypertext.

Expect to see the new issue (which is leading up to the next "big" issue on Privacy, which should be out in a month or so, before the election) up here within the week. Also a reminder that you can subscribe to our RSS feed by clicking the link at the bottom of the right-hand column.

Pride and Prejudice, Vol. 2 Issue 7

2008-05-19T14:31:00.004-06:00

The Foliage Study of School Spirit and Nationalism

Albuquerque High School is a lot like a country. We have administrators, a bureaucracy the left hand of which doesn’t know what the right hand is doing, limited freedoms (see Volume 1 Issue 3 and Volume 2 Issue 5), and pride. The focus of this issue of Foliage will be on this last feature.
National pride is something that almost every country in the world has. It is the driving force behind many decisions, it inspires citizens, and it affects the economy. However, as the French proverb (more like creed) goes: “all things in moderation.” This is true for food, wine, and like so many other things, nationalism.
Without nationalism, a country quickly dies from the inside out, its core, citizens, rotting away and soon, without support from the populace, the nation swiftly crumbles under its own weight. The prime example of this is the demise of the Soviet Union in the late 1980s and early 1990s. Without national pride, and with the huge weight of military spending, a corrupt bureaucracy, and the threat of nuclear war constantly bearing down on it, the Soviet Union collapsed incredibly quickly for a nation of its size and power.
Contrastingly, the United States went on to become the world’s predominant superpower. The reasons for this are varied and sometimes confusing, but for the purposes of this issue, we will assume that the United States stayed afloat because of the nationalism of its citizens.
After the end of the Cold War, however, the need for this intense McCarthy-esque nationalism had passed. However, the United States stubbornly held on to it. All over the world, countries were discarding their militant nationalism in favor of a newfound sense of international cooperation. Intergovernmental organizations flourished. The United Nations overcame its Cold War-era paralysis, the European Union grew from a simple trade collective to a continent-wide inter-nation governing body with authority over millions of people.
The United States, though, hung on to the sense of nationalism that had both served it through the Cold War, and was now propelling it into the single slot labeled “Superpower” in the 21st century.

But how does this relate to Albuquerque High, you ask?

Albuquerque High, as explained in the beginning of this issue, is much like a nation. As such, it also has a sense of “national” pride – school spirit. This school spirit is inspired by the school’s sports teams, its achievements, and, sometimes, by its academic prowess.
School spirit is a good thing. In moderation.
In America today, nationalism, national pride, is such a high priority that it distracts from what a democratic government’s duties to its people are: to protect, provide for, and serve them. Any questioning of the government’s motives immediately becomes an attack on America itself, an attack on the entire nation’s national pride.
In the same way, Albuquerque High School’s school spirit distracts from what this school’s founding priorities are – or should be – those being to educate, protect, and serve the students and citizens of the city of Albuquerque. AHS has lost track of these priorities and now places athletic achievement and the glory of the nation, excuse me, the school, over academic achievement and the things that will allow the students of Albuquerque High to apply for, and be accepted to competitive colleges and competitive jobs.
This rabid school spirit, blind to everything except its own goals, is a symptom of the climate in America today. America as a country is experiencing a much larger case of this overeager nationalism.

But is this good or bad?

Although some may see this powerful nationalism in America as a whole and the various sublevels of American society as a benefit and a good thing that will help America, anything that blinds both a country (or an institution) to its own goals and priorities and the citizens (or students) of a democratic nation, is a detriment to society, an impediment to peace and the antithesis of freedom and democracy.

All things in moderation.

(Note: two comics were included in this issue, they are posted as is below. Both contributors are students at Albuquerque High School.)

The Foliage Guide to Little Brother, Vol. 2 Issue 6

2008-04-28T07:42:00.002-06:00

I. The Official Foliage Review of Cory Doctorow’s Latest Novel, Little Brother

As a disclaimer, let me first inform you of my love for all things containing pirates, video games, cryptography, and spicy food. Little Brother, blogger Cory Doctorow’s latest novel, contains all these elements of a fantastic piece of literature... and more. Doctorow is a co-editor of the blog Boing Boing, a Fellow of the Electronic Frontier Foundation, and author of several Creative Commons-licensed books, including the Nebula Award-nominated shortstory, “0wnz0red.”
Little Brother, Doctorow’s latest novel, and his first aimed at teens, is the story of Marcus “w1n5t0n” Yallow, leader of a small group of gamers and hackers. When “the worst terrorist attack since 9/11” hits San Francisco, Marcus’s hometown, Marcus and his friends are caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, hauled off by the Department of Homeland Security, and forced to prove they aren’t terrorists. The teens endure harsh imprisonment, and even treatment that may (or may not, if your American family values level is set to “Severe” today) be called torture. Once released, Marcus sets his sights on the entity that deprived him of his liberty, disappeared his best friend, and turned his city into a police state: the DHS.
One part Bible for the tech-aware teen, and one part gripping dystopian drama, Little Brother manages to found its exciting storyline in more fact than the average work of historical fiction. Filled with detailed descriptions of modern technologies like public-key cryptography, DNS servers, and school security systems, this book shows how fine a line we walk between “safe” and “sheep.” Reading it, I felt by turns inspired, aghast, and paranoid.
Little Brother asks tough questions like “Who are the terrorists? The ones who bomb, or the ones who exploit the fear?” Cory Doctorow has created a work potentially as influential for this generation as Orson Wells’ 1984 or Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World, the classic dystopian predictions, were for the last generation. Technology is the next frontier in security and privacy, with implications ranging from the political and social to the religious and cultural. The modern American dystopia this book projects is just one possibility that could be realized in the very near future.
I love and recommend Little Brother, not just because its story was so enthralling that it kept me up until two in the morning, but because it contains very real truths about American society today and where we are headed tomorrow.

Little Brother is available April 29 in bookstores everywhere.

II. A Foliage-Exclusive Interview With Cory Doctorow

Foliage: Tell us a little about yourself.
Cory Doctorow: I’m 36, a Canadian who lives in Britain, and I write novels when I’m not playing with my newborn daughter or blogging.
F: Why did you write Little Brother?
CD: Because we need to start talking, NOW, about how we’re going to keep computers from turning into systems that control us, rather than systems that empower us.
F: What experience do you have in privacy and security matters?
CD: I served as the European Director of the Electronic Frontier Foundation, a civil liberties organization devoted to upholding traditional liberties (especially the First, Fourth, and Eighth Amendments) in the online world.
F: How did you ensure that your characters would resemble real modern teens?
CD: Well, I guess I’m a real modern adult, which means I inhabit the same world as the characters in the book, albeit a different strata of it. Teens through the ages have had a lot in common when it comes to their concerns, cadence and voice, so I just winged it!
F: Why should today’s teens care about this?
CD: We’re on the verge of an era when computers no longer help us, but rather serve to control us. When that happens, we’re in big trouble, because we’ll lose the ability to use the Internet to organize movements to challenge authority, and without it, authority will grow and grow.
F: Could the scenario played out in your book every really happen?
CD: Would the US ever treat its own citizens as presumptive criminals and terrorists? Sadly, I think the answer is yes. The DHS and US Attorney’s Office are already treating people like animal rights protestors and others as though they were Jihadis bent on crashing airplanes into buildings, as opposed to legitimate participants in political discourse.

If you would like a pdf of this issue (it includes several pictures and a new, spiffy layout!) then please contact the Foliage General Secretary at ahsfoliage@gmail.com.

The Foliage Guide To Student Rights, Vol. 2 Issue 5

2008-04-08T13:52:00.002-06:00

I. Why Students Should Never Be Allowed to Ever Have Any Rights, Because of the Inherent Risks to Our Family-Oriented Society and National Security
by the Foliage General Secretary

This issue of Foliage aims to resolve the question, “Should students have rights?” I grappled with this topic, but I have come to the conclusion that for the safety of our nation, our families, and our society as a whole, the rights of students should be limited to picking their own seat at lunch (which itself should be subject to reasonable and security-minded restrictions).
We realize that many students feel that at the schools they attend, especially our bastion of academic achievement and opportunity, Albuquerque High, there is simply too much room for indecision. Various explanations have been proposed as to why this is, such as “it’s something in the water,” “the field of exploration is too broad and wide open,” or (by far the most common) “Timmy just likes shiny things!” We believe that this is a travesty against the best interests of our national braintrust, our investment as a country, our future televangelists, governors of New York, or mayors of Detroit: our children. Children, especially high schoolers, who are at a turning point in their lives, require structure, order, organization, and discipline in every facet of their lives. School, being the primary activity with which school-aged children fill their days, has an even greater need for these things, if not for the benefit of the child as an individual, then for the benefit of all children.
It is with these issues in mind that I therefore propose the eradication of student rights as a means to provide structure, rigor, and organization to our young people, who will, as they age, become the young leaders, the middle aged blue-collar workers, the elderly MediCare dependants, and the creepy Family Guy-esque guys-down-the-street. Students will only learn if we can eliminate all distractions from their lives. Student rights provide too many degrees of freedom to our students and can limit the ability of school administrators to dictate every aspect of student life and learning.
Moreover, student rights can be a serious threat to our national security. Just because no student has yet attempted a hostile takeover of the military-industrial complex doesn’t mean it won’t happen soon. Simply the fact that it hasn’t happened yet is testament to the superb governance and oversight capabilities of our school administrators and the bureaucracy as a gelatinous, all-encompassing, glob-like whole. For example, the valiant effort to suppress pornography and subversive ideas (by blocking History.com, among other sites) has saved countless young American souls.
Students should never be afforded more rights than is absolutely necessary, for if we give them too much freedom, they may come up with new ideas that challenge the very foundations of our God-fearing, law-abiding, inbred, ingrained society. I think we can all agree that the consequences of such a revolution in political, social, and economic thought would be disastrous for our American society and the global society at large.

II. Free-Range Students, or, the Truth of Freedom and the Right to Fail
by Sir Oreo d'Uh-Oh

Freedom. This word gets thrown around quite frequently by politicians and lawmakers today, but do they know what it means? As a guest writer for Foliage, I was forced to consider the question, “Should students have every right, known or unknown, to man?” My answer is yes. Students have suffered for too long at the hands of corrupt and incompetent bureaucratic officials. Even today there are movements to restrict our students’ freedoms to picking their seat at lunch, so long as the seat they picked was the seat that was assigned to them. The time for revolution is now.
The Students Against Restricted Rights and Stuff (SARRS) is an underground organization founded in the 1950’s that has been brooding over this issue for years now. Critics of the group point out that their philosophy, which embraces complete and unrestricted freedom, has severely limited their ability to organize, but several of their attempts have neared success (In 1970, one of their more well organized coups ended when the leader decided that he felt streaking at graduation was “his right,” and that “the man can’t hold [him] down.”) Regardless, it cannot be argued that their cause is not noble. Well, it can be if someone wants to.
Students today face an especially oppressive situation. Policy has been written in recent years that requires high schoolers in Bulldog City to fill out a “Next Step Plan.” Not only does this “plan” funnel students towards career paths that they may not care for or care to care for, it limits a right that many people overlook: the right to fail. Superintendents and congresspeople have always acted under the assumption that teenagers want to succeed, or that they’ll at least “be thankful later.” This, my friend, is wrong. Many of the teens that I encounter in the hallway would rather be sitting at home watching T.V. or simply “chillin’.” When I ask them what they think about school, many respond with phrases such as, “Flip* school,” or “flipping* school sucks” (* the word “flip” has been used as a replacement for a more vulgar term, a term that we would be able to use freely and eloquently in a truly “free” society.) Should officials be able to determine that these opinions are not valid? More importantly, can they prove that these statements are not valid?
As the years grind on, there is no doubt in my mind that students’ rights will be increasingly limited—The “Next Step Plan” is only the first step. “Core” curriculum is destined to metastasize and eventually replace all electives, even when studies prove that standard classes “boring-ize” (the more accepted term is “standardize”) an education. The time for revolution is now, and every student is obligated to join in. Well, unless they don’t want to. And I’m not saying it should be a quiet revolution, but I’m not saying it shouldn’t, ya dig?

Special Valentine’s Day Issue: The Bright Side of Teen Pregnancy, Vol. 2 Issue 4

2008-03-31T07:01:00.002-07:00

The Foliage Guide to the Bright Side of Teen Pregnancy

In this Foliage Guide, a teen pregnancy (adj. “preggers”, defined by the Urban Dictionary as “Pregnant female, used mainly in the early stages of pregnancy, by moron future (dead-beat) dads. The word itself dates back to Victorian Britain.) is a pregnancy occurring between the ages of 15-19 years old. The United States has a higher instance of teen pregnancies than Chile, Guyana, Canada, the majority of the European Union; every country in Asia except Iran, Pakistan, Yemen, Jordan, the UAE, and Thailand; Australia, and all of North Africa. According to the Guttmacher Institute of New York, New Mexico is one of the five states in the Union where teen birthrates are at their highest.
The Foliage editors were curious as to why the rate of teen pregnancy should be higher here, in the richest, most powerful country in the world, than in almost any other remotely comparable nation. The answer?
Obviously, pregnancy is fun.
This baffled your humble editors for a few minutes, and then we realized that in America, we simply love the miracle of life so much that we just can’t wait until we are “mature” enough, or “prepared” emotionally, financially, or physically enough to bestow upon the world the wonderful gift of screaming, crying, defecating children. Other, less warm and fuzzy countries like France, Germany, Britain, Spain, Portugal, Algeria, Tajikistan, and Estonia cannot possibly fathom the amount of blood, sweat, and hard liquor that we patriotic Americans put into our teen pregnancy rates.
There is a misconception in the Liberal media that teen pregnancy is a bad thing. This is absolutely not true. Such media sell-outs as Walter Cronkite have noted that teen pregnancy has many “bad things” [sic] about it, including the possibility of dropping out of school, limiting one’s options later in life, etc. etc. Obviously, Cronkite would think that these are “bad things” because they limit the number of people entering the Communist-controlled pseudo Free Market. Our goal here at Foliage is to provide you, the intelligent and self-discerning reader with the tools and information you need to make informed and well-guided decisions. Hence the need for today’s “Foliage Guide to the Bright Side of Teen Pregnancy.”
The list of (lucky) 7 “good things” about teen pregnancy:
1. It proves that America’s teens are educated about sexual techniques and positions.
2. It gives you something to do on prom night.
3. You save money by not having to buy expensive and commie-supporting birth control devices.
4. Jesus is still your buddy.
5. It provides a topic for poignant, intellectual, yet funny films such as “Juno” and “Knocked Up.”
6. It changes your perspective on the wide and wonderful world around us.
7. In a few years, America will have an army so swelled by the ranks of the unintended and accidental that we will be able to spread our love of prom-night excess and small, bald lumps of fat from the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli.
After you read this, remember, teen pregnancy is a win-win for everyone involved: the mother, the baby, the dad (if she remembers who he is), and George’s Army of Accidents.

(P.S. Apologies for the late post; I need to figure out a faster method of posting these in a format that everyone can still read, but is faster than cutting the text out of the .indd document.)

(P.P.S. Apparently some people at AHS weren't all to pleased with this Foliage Guide addressing the issue of teen pregnancy. Foliage's official stance on the matter is that this is what Foliage is for. Foliage brings up issues that people may want to keep suppressed, so that a healthy and meaningful discussion of these issues that society has been so reticent to consider might take place, thus making the world a more informed, and hopefully better, place. Either that or we hate children.)

A Status Update, or, The Reason for the Discrepancy, a Call to Arms, and a Glimpse of What's Next

2008-03-23T13:01:00.004-07:00

Even though there have not been any recent web updates, we have had one (soon to be two) new print issues. The reason I have not posted these is because they are in the original InDesign format, which does not lend itself to the web. With school and all, I simply haven't had the time to pull the text out and publish it. When we get back from spring break on Monday, however, I should be able to post the text of our Valentine's Day issue and soon afterwards our NEW, UPDATED, and TRUTHY Student Rights issue (now with guest writers!).

Speaking of guest writers, if anyone reading this knows any 8th, 9th, 10th, or 11th graders with a knack for sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek pseudo-journalism, please contact us at ahsfoliage@gmail.com. (All applicants must be either enrolled or planning to enroll at Albuquerque High School, unless they want to spread Foliage to other APS schools.)

Also, in late April to early May, we will have a special interview issue with one of the prominent thinkers in the world of technology, who happens to also be a blogger, a published author, and a sometime-character in the webcomic "XKCD", among many other things. I won't tell you who it is, but rest assured that it's someone you won't find in the pages of the AHS Record.

Stay tuned.

To Protect and Educate, Vol. 2 Issue 3

2008-01-09T09:42:00.000-07:00

To Protect and Educate: The Foliage Guide to Armed Student Resource Officers

Foliage would like to proudly proclaim a brave new era in the realm of Zombie Preparedness, though certain detractors believe that newly armed security guards are an unnecessary precaution against an overblown threat.

The zombie menace is one that has shadowed our human existence for millennia, from the time of Jesus and the Roman Undead Extermination of 2 Anno Domini (A.D. [C.E.]) to the modern documentary "Shaun of the Dead." This threat is extant in all parts of the world, especially here at Albuquerque High School, with our proximity to the local cemetery. Our student body has, in response to this reanimated threat, armed itself with all manner of weaponry.

This self-protection by the students of our school has been sufficient to keep the zombies at bay. Recently, however, our municipal school board voted to arm the Student Resource Officers (enforcers of the law at our school) throughout the district.

Is this a step too far? How many guns are too many guns? These are valid questions in our modern, security-aware and family values-oriented society. The district is obviously concerned with our safety as students, and our learning in a sheltered, secure environment is a stated primary concern of the Albuquerque Public Schools District. However, at what point does security restrict the learning process so much that it outweighs the risks associated with an insecure campus?

Never.

There is no liberty too great that it cannot be sacrificed for safety and the preservation of the American family. To paraphrase Ben Franklin's less well-known quote on the subject, he who gives up essential security for temporary liberty, deserves to be eaten.

Students under the ever-vigilant and watchful eyes of armed security personnel have been proven to be 29% more efficient while bubbling in ScanTron sheets by a recent study at the Glorious National People's University of Venezuela, sponsored by President Hugo Chavez. If we remove the guns from this perfect classroom scenario, where all children, regardless of academic ability or potential are grouped together in a homogeneous, non-achievement based classroom setting, then the entire structure of order falls apart, and the answer to the question "is our children learning?" becomes painfully clear: no.

Furthermore, as the global economy is entering a new and exciting phase, students who graduate (or not) from the high schools in this district need to know how to function coolly and and effectively while in the vicinity of a firearm. Armed security guards help make sure that AHS is a school whose student body's capabilities in this arena is unprecedented.

Armed security guards are a boon to Albuquerque High and the greater community this school serves. Well versed in both zombie preparation and high-pressure claim-staking, our student body will go on to great careers as the future best and brightest of the seamy underbelly. This institution would have failed as a public school if it had been any other way.

The Robots Issue, Vol. 2 Issue 2

2008-01-09T09:35:00.000-07:00

[Editorial Note: We apologize for the delay. High school isn't a pointless waste of time you know! Pah!]

The Foliage Guide to Environmental Destruction, Part 1 of Many

As students of Albuquerque High School, you may have noticed as you enter the east parking lot of the school that there are trees in the parking lot. (If you are unfamiliar with the concept of trees being used for aesthetic purposes, you may be interested to know that in some parts of the world, people group trees together, along with grass and, as often as not, playground equipment. These odd areas of recreation are called "parks.")

As in any democracy, we must ask ourselves the question, "Why have these trees been installed in our once beautiful and pristine slab of tarmac? Why are we using funding that could otherwise go to fund new lockers for our band, funding that could be used to create natural light installations (commonly called windows) in our classrooms?"

The answer my friends, is the Robot Invasion.

Please allow me to digress from the point I was making to explain what may seem like a backwards argument. This past summer, Albuquerque High School saw a changing of the guard, as it were. Our former principal, Linda Sink, was reassigned to the APS Senior Official Sub-Nebulae Planetary Division Albuquerque Garrison Office of Assistant Superintendent in Charge of Everything. Our new principal, Mr. McCorkel, was duly appointed to take charge of our learning. At least, that's what we know for certain. You see, Mr. McCorkel has obviously been trained by the Albuquerque Public Schools Intergalactic Bureaucracy in the latest methods of combating the imminent Robot Invasion. He must have done very well in his anti-robot studies and it is for that reason that he was posted here, to AHS.

With this information, the reason we have spent our badly needed funding on trees becomes painfully clear. The Robot Invasion is coming, and to combat it, Principal McCorkel has taken the bold offensive step of planting trees in our most exposed and vulnerable areas.

However, while this goal of defeating the robots is admirable, it is ultimately unattainable and foolhardy. These robots seek not to observe and to study, but to come, to see, and to conquer. And they shall; there is no doubt about it in the foremost scientific minds of our day.

To save ourselves from enslavement by our robotic overlords, we must prepare an environment for them that will be pleasing to their optical sensors. We must destroy the trees, and all other aesthetically motivated architectural and landscaping designs, including grass, windows, and shag carpeting. We must replace these things with gaudy paints, uncovered metal duct work, and other things that will please our new masters. The very sight of trees and all things "natural" will only infuriate them further, and really, there's no need for that, now is there?

We, the students of Albuquerque High School must make the first move and must endeavour to move away from our aesthetically-oriented, tree-hugging, carbon-centric world to prepare for the coming robot invasion, for the first words of our robotic masters shall be "01010110 01100101 01101110 01101001 00101100 00100000 01010110 01101001 01100100 01101001
00101100 00100000 01010110 01101001 01100011 01101001 00100001"

Remember those words; they shall be the first words of a new era. Of Robots.

UPDATE!!!

2007-09-28T16:33:00.002-06:00

After a very long, inexcusable absence, Foliage is back! We'll (hopefully) be publishing quite a few more issues this year, so stay tuned!

Foliage Volume 2 Issue 1, Talk Like A Pirate Day!

2007-09-28T16:27:00.000-06:00

THE FOLIAGE GUIDE TO

PIRATE LINGO

The Other day Was

INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE

A PIRATE DAY!

AVAST ME HEARTIES, YO HO!

Talk Like a Pirate Day started in 2002, and has been gaining ground, or sea, shall we say, ever since. Join the rest of your pirate brethren as we celebrate and commemorate the golden age of piracy!

I. Basic Pirate Lingo

Ahoy!, interjection - A less formal, more pirate-y version of “'sup.”

Avast!, interj - An exclamation of surprise; “Avast! Look at all me homework!” Can also be used to th' attention of others; “Avast, ye scruvy dogs, we're sinking!”

Aye!, interj. - An affirmative; "Why yes, I agree most heartily with everything you just said or did."

Aye aye!, interj.- “Of course!” or “Right away Cap'n!”

Arrr!, interj.- A word for almost all occasions, ranging from swinging 'cross decks of an Indiaman, to announcing one's agreement to a toast made with completely non-alcoholic substances, as Foliage does not in any way shape or form encourage th' use, misuse, or enjoyment of rum.

Yarr!, interj. - See “Aye!”

II. Advanced Pirate Speech

Booty, noun – Treasure. Gold. Gems. Whatever ye may covet, that be yer booty.

Blimey!, interj.- An exclamation of complete and utter surprise.

Briny Deep, noun – Th' Ocean. Can also be used to refer to th' gym hallways.

Bucko, noun – An affectionate term for a friend or companion; “me bucko”

Cutlass, noun – Th' traditional sword of a pirate. Has a curve to th' blade, to make it fit better betwixt one's teeth, or if said one hath no teeth, one's rotted, tobacco (another substance which Foliage really doesn't endorse!) stained gums.

Fair winds!, interj.- Goodbye! Good luck! Au revoir! Later, dude.

Handsomely, adverb – Quickly; “Handsomely, now, lads, or we'll all be feedin' th' fishies in Davy Jone's Locker come sunnup!”

Head, noun – Th' “facilities.” Th' privy. Th' loo.

Jack, noun – Th' flag.

Matey, noun – A common way fer th' Brether'n o' th' Sea t'address eac'other.

Give no quarter!, interj.- Do not accept surrender!

Rum, noun - A drink, th' drinking, gargling, or other manner of consumption which, again, we do not endorse.

Rum, adjective - Crazy.

Savvy?, interj.- Do you understand?

Swag, noun – Another of th' many terms for booty.

III. Tips on Gramer n' Prununsiashun

Most classical pirates were not extremely well-read, and, as such, did not have the most eloquent speech or the most perfect grammar. Since Talk Like A Pirate Day is all about emulating these classical pirates, you must pretend, for one day, that you have horrible grammar and atrocious language skills. Try switching subject and object pronouns, for a start. Drop “unneeded” (or unwanted) letters out of words, to be replaced with apostrophes. And finally, as a cardinal rule of talking like a pirate, always sound like you're drunk (but don't actually be drunk!).

Now that you have at least a basic understanding of pirate terminology, you too can go out and defeat global warming, just by being a pirate. However, this is by no means a full listing of all the words that pirates used (if it was, they would be limited to very brief, boring conversations). Remember that you are free to improvise your own Pirate-speak and lingo. Savvy?

The End of the First Age of Foliage

2007-05-27T18:37:00.000-06:00

This marks the end of the First Age of Foliage. The Age which began around October 31st 2006 CE, 2006 AD, 12006 HE. The first volume is now complete, members have graduated, other members have survived a year of Albuquerque High and now must live through another.

For now, however, Foliage will not publish any more issues. We shall wait until the beginning of the new school year here at APS (Albuquerque's Publicly corrupted Schools) and another year at AHS.

Keep reading and keep thinking!

P.S. Foliage is busy with all kinds of things, so check back soon! (And by soon, we mean mid-August)

The Foliage Guide to Raptors, Vol. 1, Issue 6

2007-05-27T18:34:00.000-06:00

Sorry for the absolutely awful formatting in these issues. We hope to have this problem resolved by the time the next issue is posted.

The Foliage Guide to

Raptors

I. How dangerous are raptors?

Raptors are dangerous. Really dangerous. Really, really, really "oh my god, I don't have a leg anymore because a raptor bit it off, and now he's going to tear me to shreds with his fricking huge claws" dangerous. Dangerous. I'm not even going to go into how dangerous they are, but they're dangerous. Damn dangerous. So dangerous I had to use the word dangerous like 666 x 10^dangerous times. That's how dangerous raptors really are.

II. How to recognize a raptor

Now, for clarification, when I say "raptor", I am not referring to the turkey-sized Velociraptor mongoliensis, no I refer to the fricking deadly-as-Dick-Cheney-with-a-shotgun Deinonychus antirrhopus. Generally, you will recognize a raptor only after it has jumped out of its hiding space and ripped you to shreds. For our purposes, however, we will assume you have seen the raptor, but he has not seen you. Yet.

Raptors can reach about 175 lbs in weight, 10 feet in length, and have a hip height of about 4 feet. Oh yeah, and claws. Big, flesh-ripping, "holy crap, my guts are falling out of my eviscerated abdomen and the raptor's eating them! The raptors are eating my #$%^ing intestines! Oh dear god, the pain! AAAaaaaAAaaaauuuughgggggghhhhhhhhhh!" claws. Stay away from those.

If you ever get close enough to examine a raptor's mouth (please make absolutely certain that said raptor is thoroughly dead; Foliage recommends shooting it again, just for good measure) you will notice that is has around 60 teeth. Big, long, blade-like teeth that could rip you to shreds in a matter of moments. Fun.

Raptors are very close relatives to birds, and as such, are rather feathery. ~~Do not, however, attempt to touch a raptor.~~ Go pet a raptor. Go on. They're really fuzzy. They won't bite. I swear.

III. How to defend against a raptor attack

Raptors hunt in groups, much like wolves, hyenas, or Republicans. Therefore, you must be prepared to fend off several raptors from your fortifications. Raptors are intelligent, just like wolves, hyenas, and ~~Republicans~~. Raptors will attempt to enter the building you are inside by any means possible. This generally means smashing a large window and jumping through, usually. There have been unconfirmed reports of raptor locksmiths. If you get one of those, you're screwed.
Therefore, all windows (including 2 meter-wide exhaust ports, which are also vulnerable to proton torpedoes) should be barricaded and further closed to raptors. French windows, picture windows, etc. should be smashed out and covered with thick plate metal, sturdy wood, or, ideally, cement or bricks. High, small windows such as basement or bathroom or attic windows should be secure. Sturdy doors, especially fire-resistant doors should be secure.
Kill or otherwise neutralize all the animal activists. Trust me on this one. When you're trying to lure a raptor out of its hiding place with Bambi, the last thing you need is PETA rushing in to save him and giving away your hiding place.
Stop by Wal-Mart for some automatic weapons, high-capacity magazines, hollow-point rounds, and other implements of death legalized by the expiration of the Federal Assault Weapons Ban.
Thank your Congressmen for allowing the Federal Assault Weapons Ban to expire. They have shown incredible foresight in their decision to defend the Fatherland from raptors, even if it does mean any Joe-shoot-'em up can get his hands on military-grade weaponry. Well, a small price to pay for security from the imminent threat of raptor attacks, right?
Kill some raptors. But only if they attack you first. Remember kids, preemptive strikes are bad.

How the Extra 10 Minutes of School Have Aided Your Humble Foliage Editor

As you all probably know (except for those of you who ditch or ~~ditch~~ have early dismissals), Albuquerque High School, and indeed the rest of the monolithic BEAST that is Albuquerque Public Schools, has had it's school day extended by ten minutes for the past several weeks. This was due to the fact that APS is legally obligated to keep us in large, windowless buildings for 180 days a year, but they didn't want to have to miss the fabulous Barbadian Memorial Day parties (See The Foliage Guide To Safer Sex). So, someone at APS central headquarters came up with the brilliant idea of simply extending the day a few minutes. What a stroke of brilliance!

Now, without further adieu, the Top Ten Ways the Extra 10 Minutes of School Have Aided Your Humble Foliage Editor:

Avoiding obesity by having to run like hell to catch the city bus after school.
A whole one minute and forty seconds more in each of my classes.
A whole one minute and forty seconds more of watching Anchorman.
A whole one minute and forty seconds more of looking for cheap computer parts on Tiger Direct.
(If I were a Record editor) A whole one minute and forty seconds more of glaring and calling people Joe F%*#ing Shmoe.
A whole ten minutes more of hiding from the truancy cops.
A whole one minute and forty seconds more of watching Channel One.
A whole one minute and forty seconds more of reading a good book while pretending to take notes.
A whole one minute and forty seconds more of smoking behind the gym.
A whole ten minutes more of ISS.

There you have it. The extra ten minutes of school helped me avoid obesity, watch movies, engage in capitalism, glare, practice my ninja skillz, learn more about the world's youth from Katie Couric on drugs, read a John Le Carre novel, escape into another dimension, and be imprisoned in another dimension. We should do this again sometime.

[Note: Everything past the first paragraph is pure hyperbole. Except for the part about Katie Couric on drugs. That was serious (Have you watched Channel One lately?!)]

[Post Note: I am also a ninja.]

[Post Post Note: John Le Carre is also an excellent author. Go ask the librarian if she has any of his novels.]

[Post Post Post Note: Le Carre novels may contain dangerous amounts of awesomeness.]

The Student Government Issue Rev. 2, Vol. 1 Issue 5

2007-05-27T18:33:00.000-06:00

Student Government – Valiant Protection of Student Free Speech or Ridiculous Charade?

A Brief History of Student Government

In the beginning, there was only the principal. For nigh on 6,000 years it was so; a monopoly of educational governance by an administration. Then, the principle chose students in His own form – those that would later go on and continue in His way and His words. Finding that this really didn't work, the principle decided to relegate the whole thing to the Activities Director and have them plan parties – henceforth to be called pep rallies.

Student Government – How can we govern? Why do we govern? Where shall we have the parties?

Being the astute readers of Foliage that you are, you of course recall that our entire school was recently called to an assembly. It was actually less of an assembly – such a word denotes actual organization and order – rather, a pep rally. In a school where pep and school spirit are firmly concentrated in the morning meetings of a pseudo-autonomous student body, our leaders are appointed to due little else than complete the Herculean tasks of reading homeroom announcements and planning pep rallies.

Perhaps it's for the best that we let the supposed “Student Government” revel in completely nongovernmental activities. After all, we wouldn't like them to implement any of the propositions explained in previous issues of Foliage (zombie preparedness, safer sex, freedom of speech), now would we? Of course not. Then again, it is conceivable that pep rallies aid the Student Government in some way (we at Foliage are hard at work researching this possibility). Perhaps Albuquerque High School’s massive amount of brainwave activity is captured on a gymnasium-size Electroencephalograph machine and used to measure student support for a proposed schedule change. Then again, perhaps not.

Why would we want our student representatives to do anything other than plan big parties? Isn't that what every high school student wants—to skip class and party with black lights, scantily-clad cheerleaders, while athletes walk mutely onstage, huddle, and then anticlimactically amble off, everything set to the grating soundtrack of a hip-hop DJ’s cacophonous voice? Doesn't this propagate a horrible stereotype? Couldn't the money spent on a pep rally be better spent buying new computers or paying for track to go to Santa Fe? What would we have learned had we not spent a whole day reflecting on how pretty the black lights were? No, no, that is preposterous. Pep rallies are the ultimate instrument of high school education. Everybody knows that.

We at Foliage believe that Student Government could be used to prevent large-scale fights by providing a safe and responsive forum, and to propose improvements to the school to the principle and the rest of the administration. If a Student Government has no authority or even regular meetings with the principle of a school to discuss matters of concern, what use is it? Shouldn't it be reorganized, reformed, or even disbanded?

No way. It’s too much fun to party.

The Student Government Issue Rev. 1, Vol. 1, Issue 4

2007-05-27T18:32:00.000-06:00

Student Government – Democracy through Populist Rallies, Unobtrusive Government, and Fantastic Diversions!

I. A Brief History of Student Government

In the beginning, there was only the principal. For nigh on 6,000 years it was so: a monopoly of educational governance by an administration. Then, the principle chose students in His own form – those that would later go on and continue in His way and His words. Finding that this really didn't work all that well, the principle decided to relegate the whole thing to the Activities Director and have them plan parties – henceforth to be called pep rallies.

II. Student Government – How can we govern? Why do we govern? Where shall we have the parties?

Student government at Albuquerque High School is one of the most important organizations that meet within our hallowed, windowless halls. Our student government is so marvelously effective that they have managed to render themselves completely ineffective. Although this may seem like a redundancy, do not underestimate the power and cunning of the student government. They have cleverly put on the guise of inefficiency to mask their true agenda from the administration, which would surely disband them if they revealed their secret campaign for student rights and zombie preparedness.

Pep rallies, however, are completely a mystery. Why our crusading student government would possibly want to bother itself with planning these giant optical orgies is beyond the mental capacity of your humble Foliage editors. Of course, it is entirely plausible that pep rallies aid the Student Government in their decision process some way (we at Foliage are hard at work researching this possibility). Perhaps the massive amounts of brainwave activity are captured on a gymnasium-size Electroencephalograph machine and are used to measure student concerns and for secret brainwave ballots (the United States government has recently reported that according to subconscious EEG surveys, the majority of Americans support getting extra holes in their heads, despite their conscious misconceptions).

The Student Government at Albuquerque High (doubtless under pressure or being mind-controlled by forces unknown) has voted against having two lunches. Against, I tell you! If we didn't have two lunches, what would we do while ditching fourth period? Study?! Obviously, the leaders of our student government realized this was a grave infringement on our unalienable rights and attempted to derail the proposal to vote on the number of lunches by instead planning a huge pep rally! Unfortunately, it seems that their heroic attempts were in vain.

We at Foliage believe that our Student Government is an heroic and crusading organization whose only aim is to promote the welfare of students at Albuquerque High School. If you ever harbor any doubt as to the effectiveness or efficiency of our student government, just remember how much more awesome a dance is than having rights.

[Legal note: the editors of Foliage cannot and should not be held accountable for anything they say due to the adverse effects of the giant EEG machine in the gym.]

[Further Legal Note: The AHS in the name of AHS Foliage doesn’t refer to an affiliation with the school, much as the Albuquerque in the name of the Albuquerque Journal doesn’t refer to being sponsored by the city. It’s a locational thing, not an organizaitonal sponsorship]

[Yet one more Legal Note: these legal notes have little relevancy, and have been breeding unchecked behind our backs]

[Legal Note Four: Seriously, these notes are getting out of hand!]

[Legal Note the Fifth: Oh god they’ve got my leg. Someone help me! There’s too many of them, I can’t last much longer]

[Legal Note Number 6: BURRPP!]

The Free Spech Issue, Vol. 1, Issue 3

2007-05-27T18:31:00.000-06:00

Why does Foliage exist?

Why does the picture keep shrinking?

Why would someone bother with their own school newspaper?

Why is the paper asking rhetorical questions?

(this is The Free Speech Issue)

Why Foliage Exists –

Firstly, Foliage is powered almost entirely by spite and bitterness, combined with whimsy. It exists because it has been planning to exist for too many years.

More importantly, Foliage exists because a media monopoly should not exist anywhere in the world, and as much as we are pleased by the development of the Record into something perhaps more meaningful than a standard High School newspaper, it’s being school-sponsored and school-controlled invalidate any potential it had for provoking institutional change.

Lost half of you there. Which is a pity, but not something that needs pandering to. The Record does exactly what a paper controlled by a government is supposed to – report on relevant issues, but never expose serious flaws (i.e.: this school is so very, very lacking in Zombie preparation that we will not be able to survive another October). Also, graduating classes are about half the size of entering freshman classes, which is a sign of a failure on such a large scale that it cannot be attributed to individuals themselves. Things are wrong with our school, and perhaps it’s too small an arena for attention from paid professionals, and it might seem like too much to ask high-schoolers to deal with, but we of Foliage believe that this work is still relevant in the microcosm of AHS.

This is Not the Record was promising. It was a huge production, seemingly unaffiliated with anything, and it meant to provide a critical voice. Had it succeeded, had it not been threatened out of existence, the paper you’re holding would be focusing on how to catch leprechauns and the best uses for fools gold. Instead, with the emergent watchdog shunned out of existence, the humorous approach must be set aside to allow, instead, for something less entertaining, and instead more hideously realistic.

The Need for a Free Speech Issue

There’s no holiday to tie this into - instead, the reason for this issue is two cartoons. The cartoons, as you may be aware, were allowed to be published and then, after criticism, a second edition of the paper was produced, with new comics in place of the “Hoe bags” and “Uh-oh Oreos”. The cost of printing the paper is, I believe, estimated at a few hundred dollars an issue. Most of the cost isn’t passed on to the school, as the paper is funded by ads for organizations who can take advantage of marketing to “this schools unique population” (another objection, but an objection for latter). Still, re-printing a paper is just not done. The greats, the pillars of journalism, issue a three-sentence apology for such issues, and that is a cost they don’t want. Our paper reprints the entire issue on behalf of two comics.

Were the comics tasteless? Debatably. Could an editor have caught them? Assuredly. Are we overlooking the irony of pseudo-racist cartoons in a paper “Celebrating Diversity”? Yeah, yeah we are. The paper had no objections to these being printed in the first place; it took outside complaints to cause the reaction that followed. Self-censorship was lacking, and it took other forces to compel a change in behavior.

Printing non-offensive cartoons is not a bad thing; quite often, it’s a mediocre thing, but it isn’t inherently bad. However, making a statement, putting something out there, and then not having the guts to stick to it, to adequately defend that act, or even to issue a real, formal apology, is weak. The media does not exist to hide information; the media exists to expose information as much as possible.

The paper should not have been reprinted. The cartoonist can have his comics, and suffer the consequences of them being out there, but the paper shouldn’t gloss over the speech of its contributors, especially not after the fact. Hiding reality does no good; allowing it to become a spark for intelligent discussion on racism is far, far more beneficial. This a challenge out there, a gauntlet thrown to the Record – can you justify this mistake? Can you report on your own flaw, and make something meaningful out of it? You messed up, and so now the only decent option available to you is to clean it up, and explain why the change of heart, why the bananas, and why the disdainful attitudes of the editors towards even acknowledging the problem.

AHS Foliage isn’t an official organization, has no agenda other than what is stated in the various pieces of print you may be holding, and is really nothing to get terribly upset about. Excepting when you should be getting terribly upset. No need to prosecute us.

The Foliage Safer Sex Guide, Vol. 1, Issue 2

2007-05-27T18:30:00.000-06:00

Foliage Safer Sex Guide

1. Purpose

Let’s start this off brutally honest – I don’t like you. Any of you, really, and it would do me little good to see more of you in the world. So I am always in favor of you not doing things that could have progeny as a side-effect. Sadly, you somehow tend to manage to overcome your glaring flaws and find willing partners. Since this is obvious proof that this is not my ideal world, more needs to be done. (Note: for those of you who seek to go forth and propagate, I mean you no ill will; if it is willing, deliberate, and appropriate, or even if it isn’t and you still have the gumption to go through with it, you have earned some degree of admiration (not that I’m commending you; I’m saying that takes courage). This is instead intended for those who have no such decent intentions). So, I present you miscreants with this, a tome devised to help you avoid spreading your seed in my fertile earth.

2. Method

For a second shot of brutal honesty, this is a fact that needs facing – you will be having sex, no matter how many times our health books say it is sin (I might be confusing them with bibles. forgive me). So, abstinence is obviously the best way to ensure no future unplanned generations, but it is so freakishly unrealistic that it almost isn’t worth mentioning. Also, an emphasis on abstinence has the added negative effect making serious, informed, intelligent discourse about sex almost impossible, especially in group settings. (Kid who laughs every time he hears the word “condom”, I’m aiming this at you.) Right, with that settled, what follows is a short and hopefully helpful summation of ways to participate in life as is without too much guilt or children.

3. Contents

Condoms – Durex Extra Sensitive Lubricated is best (according to Consumer Reports), and can be found at most gas stations and supermarkets, as well as the places you’d expect to find them. A tad pricey. Other good options are Trojan Lifestyle (affordable and quality) and Planned Parenthood Lollipop (which is free, and not bad).

Hormonal – Exclusively for women, this is really just the fancy term for birth control pills. Properly used, the pill is exceedingly effective (less that 1% failure in typical use); as an added bonus, it prevents menstrual cramps, and lessens the severity of periods, or so I’ve been told. Requires a prescription, which can be issued for severe menstrual pain as well as for other things.

Emergency Contraception – Technically a hormonal method, EC is definitely something worth keeping on hand. Ideally, I’d be telling you this on valentines or the day after, but the weather has riled my arthritis and only now are my joints usable. Back to the point – Emergency Contraception is a godsend, that can prevent a pregnancy even if a condom broke or a pill was missed. Not to used instead of, as they day of taking the pill can be a trying hormonal rush, but it is most definitely better than an unexpected/unplanned child. The hard part is that it requires a prescription if you’re under 18 (some exceptions), and Walgreens, Target, and Wal-Mart all allow their pharmacists to refuse to sell it, if they have moral objections. Or are Scientologists.

4. Resources and Final Note

http://www.plannedparenthood.org

http://www.consumerreports.org/ (search “condoms”)

This is a non-profit creation without any intent other than humor. Not that the information is invalid – only the bias is. This was not done by funding from any leftist social engineering groups, nor was it produced really for any reason at all other than whim. It doesn’t need to be banned, and it isn’t harmful. Also, Foliage is a non-entity, and so cannot be persecuted. Thank you for your time and tolerance in building a less-populated future.

The AHS Zombie Preparedness Guide, Vol. 1, Issue 1

2007-05-27T18:12:00.000-06:00

(note: This is the historic first issue of Foliage! Before we were even Foliage! Imagine that, AHS without Foliage...it's like apartheid South Africa without Nelson Mandela, except Mandela didn't talk about zombies...)

AHS Zombie Preparedness Guide

Introduction

Before we can get into what a zombie is and why you need to be prepared against them, a definition will be handy.

Wikitionary provides that a zombie is: A person that is undead; a reanimated corpse.

A more useful encyclopedia provides that zombies are a subspecies of humans which are the byproduct of any physical, metaphysical, or metalengual process which perverts the natural death process of the individual by allowing the decaying corpse to walk amongst the still breathing to fulfill the needs of the lower brain to feast upon the flesh and brains of the living…

Right, now that that is done, onto why this is

important.

AHS and Zombies

As you may have noticed, AHS is built like a fort. Or a prison, or a barracks. At any rate, the school is designed to contain riots and as such is a potentially wretched place to be trapped.

Zombies know this. One of the most uncanny features of a zombie is it’s ability to find places where it shouldn’t be, and where it can mind trapped innocents. It does not help our school to any degree that we have a cemetery nearby, as this only aids the zombies and directs them to us, rather than to any other, less noble institution. Zombies want easy prey, and since our school is located next to a potential den of fresh zombies, they will find themselves at our school, instead of their usual haunts of rickety houses, woods, and castles. Anyways, our beloved school is a place quite susceptible to a zombie attack, and in the event that this does occur, we need to be ready.

III. The Ideal Plan: Evacuation

The best way to not be attacked by a zombie is to not be where a zombie is. To this end, the first and best step anyone can take is to get out of the school, get into a vehicle, and drive off. Were this all that needed doing, I would not be sitting here pounding out this informative pamphlet.

The tricky part in this is getting out of the school. Zombies swarm places, and tend to spend hours pounding away at windows and doors trying to get in. Thus, any attempt by us to flee the school would mean running a gauntlet of zombies, and letting the wretched denizens of the night into the school. This is the worst idea possible, as a horde of zombies is not what we want in our narrow and constrictive halls.

However, there is a slim chance that an evacuation can work. If, upon noticing the impending onslaught of zombies, someone alert enough inform the school, we will have time to flee to our vehicles, and should be able to make it out mostly intact.

The possibility is slim, and the cost of posting a lookout is probably prohibitive, so I do not expect this to happen, and must then devote the rest of this pamphlet to the pound of cure.

The Less-than-Ideal Plan: Outlasting the Zombies

This is, most certainly, the most cautious course of action we could take. Staying holed up inside the school, we could, in theory, survive for long enough that those better trained and better equipped to deal with the undead scourge could take care of the problem for us. Our school does have foodstuffs and water, and certainly enough room to house all our students. With our security guards, we could evacuate the science building and get those students in the main part of the school, and we could remain camped out for a time.

This plan runs into a few problems. The first is that, given the many causes of zombiefication, a waterborne virus could end up contaminating our water supply, leading to a horrible gruesome scene.

The risk of something going horribly wrong in the science building is also a problem, especially give the sheer numbers of zombies that will need to be fended off during the evacuation. The chance of a student or security guard being bitten is great, and since it will take time for them to zombify, we will have sleeper zombies in our midst. A serious problem.

The last major problem is parents. Parents will want their children home, and parents will do many desperate things to bring their children home after a hostile situation. Remember Belsan? Of course not, few people do. It was a school held hostage that had a horrible ending when parents attempted to storm it to free their progeny. No, staying holed up in the school is not the best plan.

The Plan We Will Have to Enact: Fighting Our Way Out in Time for Dinner

This is going to seem silly as a suggestion, as it is more foolhardy and poses the highest risk of anything I have suggested so far.

The risks are indeed high. We might die, we might become zombies, we might fail and panic and run the hall screaming and trapped. We also might be late for dinner. But the benefits are greater.

This is where we get glory, where we get heroes, and where we get to look with pity on those who were unable to help themselves. Also, we have just the right school to pull this off.

The plan is going to be a tricky thing, executed with all the precision we can muster.

We will need to let the zombies in, trap as many as we can, and then sneak out through a circuitous path. Any path that allows only one person through will be kept open, with people standing by while the zombies swarm one at a time through the narrow gap. When their advantage of numbers is lost, we have a chance, and with willing souls placed in the right places, they could buy enough time for everyone else.

The full plan has been submitted to those most responsible for disseminating it. The essence of it is distilled here, and make sure to ask those who seem knowledgeable when the zombie attack does come.

Area-Specific Solutions

Portables. If you are in the portables at the onset of the zombie onslaught, you are most likely doubly screwed. The cemetary is nearby, the portables have no supplies of water or food, and the walls of the portables are the weakest of any part of the school (save perhaps the glass of the new building). If you are in the portables and see zombies coming, run. Run as fast as you possibly can toward the main building, or your cars if you are parked near enough. This is the only, I repeat only, time that fleeing hastily is better than waiting and formulating a plan.

Science Building. If you are in the science building, you will have the aid of both various volatile substances and thick walls. However, as the science is cut off from the rest of the school, you will find that outlasting the zombies is only slightly easier here than it would be in the portables. The best bet is to barricade most of the doors, stockpile as much fire-causing substance as you can gather, and then let the main building know you are coming. With a bit of luck, you can cause a powerful enough fire to delay the zombies and then make it to safety.

The New Building. If you are in here and see zombies, barricade the windows, run downstairs and then make it into the 400 hall, which can be sealed off. If you are on the second floor and see Zombies, you will have a desperate fight to keep the stairways free.

The Theater. Perhaps the safest space in the school would be the catwalk, where zombies can be fended off one by one and have the disadvantage of having to climb. However, few people can safely fit up there, so the easily defended upper floors of the gym might be a better bet.

The DECA Room. If you find yourself here when the zombies attack, the best you can do is hold half a hogie to each side fo your head, as zombies will want their food properly prepared. The room is defensible, but you won’t be able to afford what you eat, and the items inside are more valuble as commodities than they are as weapons.

How to disable a zombie

As this is a guide intended to protect against zombies and is not distributed to those in a high enough position to make all the necessary precautions, the event of zombies actually breaking into the school and having to be fought off exists. Thus, this section will cover how to deal with the zombies on a more personal scale.

There are two ways to disable a zombie. The first is harder and less pleasant. It involves tearing the zombies body into enough pieces that it can no longer move. Odds are that while doing this you will end up hurt yourself, and probably end up zombiefied.

The other method is to destroy or damage the brain. With lamps, records, rocks, or other useful projectiles, ideally. But back to the point – a zombie with a destroyed brain doesn’t work.

Destroying the brain is a tricky process, and in our last section, I will go over tools you can use in your efforts.

Weapons to use against Zombies

Chainsaw. This is a classic, and in the narrow confines of our school would work really well. However, it suffers from two weaknesses. The first is that it can run out of fuel, leaving you with an unwieldy blunt object. The second is that we don’t have them at school, and are screwed in that department.
Shotgun. This is the definitive zombie fighting weapon. It has stopping power, can hit multiple foes, and you can tell primitive screwheads that it is your boomstick. Also, no chance of having one at school.
Other guns/weapons. If you have them, which you don’t because you are all good kids, then great. Otherwise, we will have to rely on improvised tools.
Textbooks – with enough weight and an accurate throwing arm, can potentially hurt a zombie. Not worth carrying around just for that purpose, however.
Rocks. A good rock can easily slow down a zombie. Just make sure to throw them, and have a few.
Improvised weapons made in the science supply rooms. these don’t exist. Shh!
Mrs. Rutter’s Potato Cannon. Probably the best thing we could get, provided we can find potatoes.
Clubs. The best weapons for close combat we could find. They have enough reach to hit a zombie in the head, and they could probably damage the brain. You just have to hit the zombie a lot.
Fire. Burning zombies works too. In fact, it works quite well. Burn them, if you can do it from distance or if you need to escape a zombie’s clutches

At this point, the weapons you are using will not be intended to do more than disable zombies. The plan is to get out of the school safely, so these can help knock a zombie off your path, but will not be ideal redeading one.

A Final Word

The labs at the neighboring schools may also pose threats; if the zombie horde comes from that direction, than my warnings will need to be revised. Also, zombie attacks are rare and isolated events, much like the risk of an envelope containing anthrax the risk of violence with a weapon brought onto school by a student, or the chance of a plane being filled with snakes. These things happen, so a plan should always be in place. After all, IT COULD HAPPEN HERE.

Further Reading

Note: Most of what is previous is blatantly stolen from Uncyclopedia (http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Zombie), and Ozort (http://ozort.org/zombie-handbook/index.php).

They are the experts with the knowledge. I am just a feeble pamphleteer who is trying to do a public service and has no intention of profiting at all from their hard work. I also see no need to use weaker phrasing than the ones they have devised, and so I have, most likely, technically plagiarized.

Also, vote Human and not Zombie. It is enough that they are in our cemeteries, we do not want them in our capitals

This has been a presentation by Foliage PAC, and falls under the provision for handing out political leaflets at school.

Or this is perfectly harmless and we don’t need to be prosecuted. That would be cool too.