The Foliage Guide to Little Brother, Vol. 2 Issue 6

I. The Official Foliage Review of Cory Doctorow’s Latest Novel, Little Brother

As a disclaimer, let me first inform you of my love for all things containing pirates, video games, cryptography, and spicy food. Little Brother, blogger Cory Doctorow’s latest novel, contains all these elements of a fantastic piece of literature... and more. Doctorow is a co-editor of the blog Boing Boing, a Fellow of the Electronic Frontier Foundation, and author of several Creative Commons-licensed books, including the Nebula Award-nominated shortstory, “0wnz0red.”
Little Brother, Doctorow’s latest novel, and his first aimed at teens, is the story of Marcus “w1n5t0n” Yallow, leader of a small group of gamers and hackers. When “the worst terrorist attack since 9/11” hits San Francisco, Marcus’s hometown, Marcus and his friends are caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, hauled off by the Department of Homeland Security, and forced to prove they aren’t terrorists. The teens endure harsh imprisonment, and even treatment that may (or may not, if your American family values level is set to “Severe” today) be called torture. Once released, Marcus sets his sights on the entity that deprived him of his liberty, disappeared his best friend, and turned his city into a police state: the DHS.
One part Bible for the tech-aware teen, and one part gripping dystopian drama, Little Brother manages to found its exciting storyline in more fact than the average work of historical fiction. Filled with detailed descriptions of modern technologies like public-key cryptography, DNS servers, and school security systems, this book shows how fine a line we walk between “safe” and “sheep.” Reading it, I felt by turns inspired, aghast, and paranoid.
Little Brother asks tough questions like “Who are the terrorists? The ones who bomb, or the ones who exploit the fear?” Cory Doctorow has created a work potentially as influential for this generation as Orson Wells’ 1984 or Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World, the classic dystopian predictions, were for the last generation. Technology is the next frontier in security and privacy, with implications ranging from the political and social to the religious and cultural. The modern American dystopia this book projects is just one possibility that could be realized in the very near future.
I love and recommend Little Brother, not just because its story was so enthralling that it kept me up until two in the morning, but because it contains very real truths about American society today and where we are headed tomorrow.

Little Brother is available April 29 in bookstores everywhere.


II. A Foliage-Exclusive Interview With Cory Doctorow

Foliage: Tell us a little about yourself.
Cory Doctorow: I’m 36, a Canadian who lives in Britain, and I write novels when I’m not playing with my newborn daughter or blogging.
F: Why did you write Little Brother?
CD: Because we need to start talking, NOW, about how we’re going to keep computers from turning into systems that control us, rather than systems that empower us.
F: What experience do you have in privacy and security matters?
CD: I served as the European Director of the Electronic Frontier Foundation, a civil liberties organization devoted to upholding traditional liberties (especially the First, Fourth, and Eighth Amendments) in the online world.
F: How did you ensure that your characters would resemble real modern teens?
CD: Well, I guess I’m a real modern adult, which means I inhabit the same world as the characters in the book, albeit a different strata of it. Teens through the ages have had a lot in common when it comes to their concerns, cadence and voice, so I just winged it!
F: Why should today’s teens care about this?
CD: We’re on the verge of an era when computers no longer help us, but rather serve to control us. When that happens, we’re in big trouble, because we’ll lose the ability to use the Internet to organize movements to challenge authority, and without it, authority will grow and grow.
F: Could the scenario played out in your book every really happen?
CD: Would the US ever treat its own citizens as presumptive criminals and terrorists? Sadly, I think the answer is yes. The DHS and US Attorney’s Office are already treating people like animal rights protestors and others as though they were Jihadis bent on crashing airplanes into buildings, as opposed to legitimate participants in political discourse.


If you would like a pdf of this issue (it includes several pictures and a new, spiffy layout!) then please contact the Foliage General Secretary at ahsfoliage@gmail.com.

The Foliage Guide To Student Rights, Vol. 2 Issue 5

I. Why Students Should Never Be Allowed to Ever Have Any Rights, Because of the Inherent Risks to Our Family-Oriented Society and National Security
by the Foliage General Secretary

This issue of Foliage aims to resolve the question, “Should students have rights?” I grappled with this topic, but I have come to the conclusion that for the safety of our nation, our families, and our society as a whole, the rights of students should be limited to picking their own seat at lunch (which itself should be subject to reasonable and security-minded restrictions).
We realize that many students feel that at the schools they attend, especially our bastion of academic achievement and opportunity, Albuquerque High, there is simply too much room for indecision. Various explanations have been proposed as to why this is, such as “it’s something in the water,” “the field of exploration is too broad and wide open,” or (by far the most common) “Timmy just likes shiny things!” We believe that this is a travesty against the best interests of our national braintrust, our investment as a country, our future televangelists, governors of New York, or mayors of Detroit: our children. Children, especially high schoolers, who are at a turning point in their lives, require structure, order, organization, and discipline in every facet of their lives. School, being the primary activity with which school-aged children fill their days, has an even greater need for these things, if not for the benefit of the child as an individual, then for the benefit of all children.
It is with these issues in mind that I therefore propose the eradication of student rights as a means to provide structure, rigor, and organization to our young people, who will, as they age, become the young leaders, the middle aged blue-collar workers, the elderly MediCare dependants, and the creepy Family Guy-esque guys-down-the-street. Students will only learn if we can eliminate all distractions from their lives. Student rights provide too many degrees of freedom to our students and can limit the ability of school administrators to dictate every aspect of student life and learning.
Moreover, student rights can be a serious threat to our national security. Just because no student has yet attempted a hostile takeover of the military-industrial complex doesn’t mean it won’t happen soon. Simply the fact that it hasn’t happened yet is testament to the superb governance and oversight capabilities of our school administrators and the bureaucracy as a gelatinous, all-encompassing, glob-like whole. For example, the valiant effort to suppress pornography and subversive ideas (by blocking History.com, among other sites) has saved countless young American souls.
Students should never be afforded more rights than is absolutely necessary, for if we give them too much freedom, they may come up with new ideas that challenge the very foundations of our God-fearing, law-abiding, inbred, ingrained society. I think we can all agree that the consequences of such a revolution in political, social, and economic thought would be disastrous for our American society and the global society at large.


II. Free-Range Students, or, the Truth of Freedom and the Right to Fail
by Sir Oreo d'Uh-Oh

Freedom. This word gets thrown around quite frequently by politicians and lawmakers today, but do they know what it means? As a guest writer for Foliage, I was forced to consider the question, “Should students have every right, known or unknown, to man?” My answer is yes. Students have suffered for too long at the hands of corrupt and incompetent bureaucratic officials. Even today there are movements to restrict our students’ freedoms to picking their seat at lunch, so long as the seat they picked was the seat that was assigned to them. The time for revolution is now.
The Students Against Restricted Rights and Stuff (SARRS) is an underground organization founded in the 1950’s that has been brooding over this issue for years now. Critics of the group point out that their philosophy, which embraces complete and unrestricted freedom, has severely limited their ability to organize, but several of their attempts have neared success (In 1970, one of their more well organized coups ended when the leader decided that he felt streaking at graduation was “his right,” and that “the man can’t hold [him] down.”) Regardless, it cannot be argued that their cause is not noble. Well, it can be if someone wants to.
Students today face an especially oppressive situation. Policy has been written in recent years that requires high schoolers in Bulldog City to fill out a “Next Step Plan.” Not only does this “plan” funnel students towards career paths that they may not care for or care to care for, it limits a right that many people overlook: the right to fail. Superintendents and congresspeople have always acted under the assumption that teenagers want to succeed, or that they’ll at least “be thankful later.” This, my friend, is wrong. Many of the teens that I encounter in the hallway would rather be sitting at home watching T.V. or simply “chillin’.” When I ask them what they think about school, many respond with phrases such as, “Flip* school,” or “flipping* school sucks” (* the word “flip” has been used as a replacement for a more vulgar term, a term that we would be able to use freely and eloquently in a truly “free” society.) Should officials be able to determine that these opinions are not valid? More importantly, can they prove that these statements are not valid?
As the years grind on, there is no doubt in my mind that students’ rights will be increasingly limited—The “Next Step Plan” is only the first step. “Core” curriculum is destined to metastasize and eventually replace all electives, even when studies prove that standard classes “boring-ize” (the more accepted term is “standardize”) an education. The time for revolution is now, and every student is obligated to join in. Well, unless they don’t want to. And I’m not saying it should be a quiet revolution, but I’m not saying it shouldn’t, ya dig?

Special Valentine’s Day Issue: The Bright Side of Teen Pregnancy, Vol. 2 Issue 4

The Foliage Guide to the Bright Side of Teen Pregnancy

In this Foliage Guide, a teen pregnancy (adj. “preggers”, defined by the Urban Dictionary as “Pregnant female, used mainly in the early stages of pregnancy, by moron future (dead-beat) dads. The word itself dates back to Victorian Britain.) is a pregnancy occurring between the ages of 15-19 years old. The United States has a higher instance of teen pregnancies than Chile, Guyana, Canada, the majority of the European Union; every country in Asia except Iran, Pakistan, Yemen, Jordan, the UAE, and Thailand; Australia, and all of North Africa. According to the Guttmacher Institute of New York, New Mexico is one of the five states in the Union where teen birthrates are at their highest.
The Foliage editors were curious as to why the rate of teen pregnancy should be higher here, in the richest, most powerful country in the world, than in almost any other remotely comparable nation. The answer?
Obviously, pregnancy is fun.
This baffled your humble editors for a few minutes, and then we realized that in America, we simply love the miracle of life so much that we just can’t wait until we are “mature” enough, or “prepared” emotionally, financially, or physically enough to bestow upon the world the wonderful gift of screaming, crying, defecating children. Other, less warm and fuzzy countries like France, Germany, Britain, Spain, Portugal, Algeria, Tajikistan, and Estonia cannot possibly fathom the amount of blood, sweat, and hard liquor that we patriotic Americans put into our teen pregnancy rates.
There is a misconception in the Liberal media that teen pregnancy is a bad thing. This is absolutely not true. Such media sell-outs as Walter Cronkite have noted that teen pregnancy has many “bad things” [sic] about it, including the possibility of dropping out of school, limiting one’s options later in life, etc. etc. Obviously, Cronkite would think that these are “bad things” because they limit the number of people entering the Communist-controlled pseudo Free Market. Our goal here at Foliage is to provide you, the intelligent and self-discerning reader with the tools and information you need to make informed and well-guided decisions. Hence the need for today’s “Foliage Guide to the Bright Side of Teen Pregnancy.”
The list of (lucky) 7 “good things” about teen pregnancy:
1. It proves that America’s teens are educated about sexual techniques and positions.
2. It gives you something to do on prom night.
3. You save money by not having to buy expensive and commie-supporting birth control devices.
4. Jesus is still your buddy.
5. It provides a topic for poignant, intellectual, yet funny films such as “Juno” and “Knocked Up.”
6. It changes your perspective on the wide and wonderful world around us.
7. In a few years, America will have an army so swelled by the ranks of the unintended and accidental that we will be able to spread our love of prom-night excess and small, bald lumps of fat from the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli.
After you read this, remember, teen pregnancy is a win-win for everyone involved: the mother, the baby, the dad (if she remembers who he is), and George’s Army of Accidents.

(P.S. Apologies for the late post; I need to figure out a faster method of posting these in a format that everyone can still read, but is faster than cutting the text out of the .indd document.)

(P.P.S. Apparently some people at AHS weren't all to pleased with this Foliage Guide addressing the issue of teen pregnancy. Foliage's official stance on the matter is that this is what Foliage is for. Foliage brings up issues that people may want to keep suppressed, so that a healthy and meaningful discussion of these issues that society has been so reticent to consider might take place, thus making the world a more informed, and hopefully better, place. Either that or we hate children.)

A Status Update, or, The Reason for the Discrepancy, a Call to Arms, and a Glimpse of What's Next

Even though there have not been any recent web updates, we have had one (soon to be two) new print issues. The reason I have not posted these is because they are in the original InDesign format, which does not lend itself to the web. With school and all, I simply haven't had the time to pull the text out and publish it. When we get back from spring break on Monday, however, I should be able to post the text of our Valentine's Day issue and soon afterwards our NEW, UPDATED, and TRUTHY Student Rights issue (now with guest writers!).

Speaking of guest writers, if anyone reading this knows any 8th, 9th, 10th, or 11th graders with a knack for sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek pseudo-journalism, please contact us at ahsfoliage@gmail.com. (All applicants must be either enrolled or planning to enroll at Albuquerque High School, unless they want to spread Foliage to other APS schools.)

Also, in late April to early May, we will have a special interview issue with one of the prominent thinkers in the world of technology, who happens to also be a blogger, a published author, and a sometime-character in the webcomic "XKCD", among many other things. I won't tell you who it is, but rest assured that it's someone you won't find in the pages of the AHS Record.

Stay tuned.

To Protect and Educate, Vol. 2 Issue 3

To Protect and Educate: The Foliage Guide to Armed Student Resource Officers

Foliage would like to proudly proclaim a brave new era in the realm of Zombie Preparedness, though certain detractors believe that newly armed security guards are an unnecessary precaution against an overblown threat.

The zombie menace is one that has shadowed our human existence for millennia, from the time of Jesus and the Roman Undead Extermination of 2 Anno Domini (A.D. [C.E.]) to the modern documentary "Shaun of the Dead." This threat is extant in all parts of the world, especially here at Albuquerque High School, with our proximity to the local cemetery. Our student body has, in response to this reanimated threat, armed itself with all manner of weaponry.

This self-protection by the students of our school has been sufficient to keep the zombies at bay. Recently, however, our municipal school board voted to arm the Student Resource Officers (enforcers of the law at our school) throughout the district.

Is this a step too far? How many guns are too many guns? These are valid questions in our modern, security-aware and family values-oriented society. The district is obviously concerned with our safety as students, and our learning in a sheltered, secure environment is a stated primary concern of the Albuquerque Public Schools District. However, at what point does security restrict the learning process so much that it outweighs the risks associated with an insecure campus?

Never.

There is no liberty too great that it cannot be sacrificed for safety and the preservation of the American family. To paraphrase Ben Franklin's less well-known quote on the subject, he who gives up essential security for temporary liberty, deserves to be eaten.

Students under the ever-vigilant and watchful eyes of armed security personnel have been proven to be 29% more efficient while bubbling in ScanTron sheets by a recent study at the Glorious National People's University of Venezuela, sponsored by President Hugo Chavez. If we remove the guns from this perfect classroom scenario, where all children, regardless of academic ability or potential are grouped together in a homogeneous, non-achievement based classroom setting, then the entire structure of order falls apart, and the answer to the question "is our children learning?" becomes painfully clear: no.

Furthermore, as the global economy is entering a new and exciting phase, students who graduate (or not) from the high schools in this district need to know how to function coolly and and effectively while in the vicinity of a firearm. Armed security guards help make sure that AHS is a school whose student body's capabilities in this arena is unprecedented.

Armed security guards are a boon to Albuquerque High and the greater community this school serves. Well versed in both zombie preparation and high-pressure claim-staking, our student body will go on to great careers as the future best and brightest of the seamy underbelly. This institution would have failed as a public school if it had been any other way.

The Robots Issue, Vol. 2 Issue 2

[Editorial Note: We apologize for the delay. High school isn't a pointless waste of time you know! Pah!]

The Foliage Guide to Environmental Destruction, Part 1 of Many

As students of Albuquerque High School, you may have noticed as you enter the east parking lot of the school that there are trees in the parking lot. (If you are unfamiliar with the concept of trees being used for aesthetic purposes, you may be interested to know that in some parts of the world, people group trees together, along with grass and, as often as not, playground equipment. These odd areas of recreation are called "parks.")

As in any democracy, we must ask ourselves the question, "Why have these trees been installed in our once beautiful and pristine slab of tarmac? Why are we using funding that could otherwise go to fund new lockers for our band, funding that could be used to create natural light installations (commonly called windows) in our classrooms?"

The answer my friends, is the Robot Invasion.

Please allow me to digress from the point I was making to explain what may seem like a backwards argument. This past summer, Albuquerque High School saw a changing of the guard, as it were. Our former principal, Linda Sink, was reassigned to the APS Senior Official Sub-Nebulae Planetary Division Albuquerque Garrison Office of Assistant Superintendent in Charge of Everything. Our new principal, Mr. McCorkel, was duly appointed to take charge of our learning. At least, that's what we know for certain. You see, Mr. McCorkel has obviously been trained by the Albuquerque Public Schools Intergalactic Bureaucracy in the latest methods of combating the imminent Robot Invasion. He must have done very well in his anti-robot studies and it is for that reason that he was posted here, to AHS.

With this information, the reason we have spent our badly needed funding on trees becomes painfully clear. The Robot Invasion is coming, and to combat it, Principal McCorkel has taken the bold offensive step of planting trees in our most exposed and vulnerable areas.

However, while this goal of defeating the robots is admirable, it is ultimately unattainable and foolhardy. These robots seek not to observe and to study, but to come, to see, and to conquer. And they shall; there is no doubt about it in the foremost scientific minds of our day.

To save ourselves from enslavement by our robotic overlords, we must prepare an environment for them that will be pleasing to their optical sensors. We must destroy the trees, and all other aesthetically motivated architectural and landscaping designs, including grass, windows, and shag carpeting. We must replace these things with gaudy paints, uncovered metal duct work, and other things that will please our new masters. The very sight of trees and all things "natural" will only infuriate them further, and really, there's no need for that, now is there?

We, the students of Albuquerque High School must make the first move and must endeavour to move away from our aesthetically-oriented, tree-hugging, carbon-centric world to prepare for the coming robot invasion, for the first words of our robotic masters shall be "01010110 01100101 01101110 01101001 00101100 00100000 01010110 01101001 01100100 01101001
00101100 00100000 01010110 01101001 01100011 01101001 00100001"

Remember those words; they shall be the first words of a new era. Of Robots.

UPDATE!!!

After a very long, inexcusable absence, Foliage is back! We'll (hopefully) be publishing quite a few more issues this year, so stay tuned!

Foliage Volume 2 Issue 1, Talk Like A Pirate Day!

THE FOLIAGE GUIDE TO

PIRATE LINGO

The Other day Was

INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE

A PIRATE DAY!

AVAST ME HEARTIES, YO HO!

Talk Like a Pirate Day started in 2002, and has been gaining ground, or sea, shall we say, ever since. Join the rest of your pirate brethren as we celebrate and commemorate the golden age of piracy!

I. Basic Pirate Lingo

Ahoy!, interjection - A less formal, more pirate-y version of “'sup.”

Avast!, interj - An exclamation of surprise; “Avast! Look at all me homework!” Can also be used to th' attention of others; “Avast, ye scruvy dogs, we're sinking!”

Aye!, interj. - An affirmative; "Why yes, I agree most heartily with everything you just said or did."

Aye aye!, interj.- “Of course!” or “Right away Cap'n!”

Arrr!, interj.- A word for almost all occasions, ranging from swinging 'cross decks of an Indiaman, to announcing one's agreement to a toast made with completely non-alcoholic substances, as Foliage does not in any way shape or form encourage th' use, misuse, or enjoyment of rum.

Yarr!, interj. - See “Aye!”

II. Advanced Pirate Speech

Booty, noun – Treasure. Gold. Gems. Whatever ye may covet, that be yer booty.

Blimey!, interj.- An exclamation of complete and utter surprise.

Briny Deep, noun – Th' Ocean. Can also be used to refer to th' gym hallways.

Bucko, noun – An affectionate term for a friend or companion; “me bucko”

Cutlass, noun – Th' traditional sword of a pirate. Has a curve to th' blade, to make it fit better betwixt one's teeth, or if said one hath no teeth, one's rotted, tobacco (another substance which Foliage really doesn't endorse!) stained gums.

Fair winds!, interj.- Goodbye! Good luck! Au revoir! Later, dude.

Handsomely, adverb – Quickly; “Handsomely, now, lads, or we'll all be feedin' th' fishies in Davy Jone's Locker come sunnup!”

Head, noun – Th' “facilities.” Th' privy. Th' loo.

Jack, noun – Th' flag.

Matey, noun – A common way fer th' Brether'n o' th' Sea t'address eac'other.

Give no quarter!, interj.- Do not accept surrender!

Rum, noun - A drink, th' drinking, gargling, or other manner of consumption which, again, we do not endorse.

Rum, adjective - Crazy.

Savvy?, interj.- Do you understand?

Swag, noun – Another of th' many terms for booty.

III. Tips on Gramer n' Prununsiashun

Most classical pirates were not extremely well-read, and, as such, did not have the most eloquent speech or the most perfect grammar. Since Talk Like A Pirate Day is all about emulating these classical pirates, you must pretend, for one day, that you have horrible grammar and atrocious language skills. Try switching subject and object pronouns, for a start. Drop “unneeded” (or unwanted) letters out of words, to be replaced with apostrophes. And finally, as a cardinal rule of talking like a pirate, always sound like you're drunk (but don't actually be drunk!).

Now that you have at least a basic understanding of pirate terminology, you too can go out and defeat global warming, just by being a pirate. However, this is by no means a full listing of all the words that pirates used (if it was, they would be limited to very brief, boring conversations). Remember that you are free to improvise your own Pirate-speak and lingo. Savvy?

The End of the First Age of Foliage

This marks the end of the First Age of Foliage. The Age which began around October 31st 2006 CE, 2006 AD, 12006 HE. The first volume is now complete, members have graduated, other members have survived a year of Albuquerque High and now must live through another.

For now, however, Foliage will not publish any more issues. We shall wait until the beginning of the new school year here at APS (Albuquerque's Publicly corrupted Schools) and another year at AHS.

Keep reading and keep thinking!

P.S. Foliage is busy with all kinds of things, so check back soon! (And by soon, we mean mid-August)

The Foliage Guide to Raptors, Vol. 1, Issue 6

Sorry for the absolutely awful formatting in these issues. We hope to have this problem resolved by the time the next issue is posted.

The Foliage Guide to

Raptors

I. How dangerous are raptors?

Raptors are dangerous. Really dangerous. Really, really, really "oh my god, I don't have a leg anymore because a raptor bit it off, and now he's going to tear me to shreds with his fricking huge claws" dangerous. Dangerous. I'm not even going to go into how dangerous they are, but they're dangerous. Damn dangerous. So dangerous I had to use the word dangerous like 666 x 10^dangerous times. That's how dangerous raptors really are.

II. How to recognize a raptor

Now, for clarification, when I say "raptor", I am not referring to the turkey-sized Velociraptor mongoliensis, no I refer to the fricking deadly-as-Dick-Cheney-with-a-shotgun Deinonychus antirrhopus. Generally, you will recognize a raptor only after it has jumped out of its hiding space and ripped you to shreds. For our purposes, however, we will assume you have seen the raptor, but he has not seen you. Yet.

Raptors can reach about 175 lbs in weight, 10 feet in length, and have a hip height of about 4 feet. Oh yeah, and claws. Big, flesh-ripping, "holy crap, my guts are falling out of my eviscerated abdomen and the raptor's eating them! The raptors are eating my #$%^ing intestines! Oh dear god, the pain! AAAaaaaAAaaaauuuughgggggghhhhhhhhhh!" claws. Stay away from those.

If you ever get close enough to examine a raptor's mouth (please make absolutely certain that said raptor is thoroughly dead; Foliage recommends shooting it again, just for good measure) you will notice that is has around 60 teeth. Big, long, blade-like teeth that could rip you to shreds in a matter of moments. Fun.

Raptors are very close relatives to birds, and as such, are rather feathery. Do not, however, attempt to touch a raptor. Go pet a raptor. Go on. They're really fuzzy. They won't bite. I swear.

III. How to defend against a raptor attack

1. Raptors hunt in groups, much like wolves, hyenas, or Republicans. Therefore, you must be prepared to fend off several raptors from your fortifications. Raptors are intelligent, just like wolves, hyenas, and Republicans. Raptors will attempt to enter the building you are inside by any means possible. This generally means smashing a large window and jumping through, usually. There have been unconfirmed reports of raptor locksmiths. If you get one of those, you're screwed.

2. Therefore, all windows (including 2 meter-wide exhaust ports, which are also vulnerable to proton torpedoes) should be barricaded and further closed to raptors. French windows, picture windows, etc. should be smashed out and covered with thick plate metal, sturdy wood, or, ideally, cement or bricks. High, small windows such as basement or bathroom or attic windows should be secure. Sturdy doors, especially fire-resistant doors should be secure.

3. Kill or otherwise neutralize all the animal activists. Trust me on this one. When you're trying to lure a raptor out of its hiding place with Bambi, the last thing you need is PETA rushing in to save him and giving away your hiding place.

4. Stop by Wal-Mart for some automatic weapons, high-capacity magazines, hollow-point rounds, and other implements of death legalized by the expiration of the Federal Assault Weapons Ban.

5. Thank your Congressmen for allowing the Federal Assault Weapons Ban to expire. They have shown incredible foresight in their decision to defend the Fatherland from raptors, even if it does mean any Joe-shoot-'em up can get his hands on military-grade weaponry. Well, a small price to pay for security from the imminent threat of raptor attacks, right?

6. Kill some raptors. But only if they attack you first. Remember kids, preemptive strikes are bad.

How the Extra 10 Minutes of School Have Aided Your Humble Foliage Editor

As you all probably know (except for those of you who ditch or ditch have early dismissals), Albuquerque High School, and indeed the rest of the monolithic BEAST that is Albuquerque Public Schools, has had it's school day extended by ten minutes for the past several weeks. This was due to the fact that APS is legally obligated to keep us in large, windowless buildings for 180 days a year, but they didn't want to have to miss the fabulous Barbadian Memorial Day parties (See The Foliage Guide To Safer Sex). So, someone at APS central headquarters came up with the brilliant idea of simply extending the day a few minutes. What a stroke of brilliance!

Now, without further adieu, the Top Ten Ways the Extra 10 Minutes of School Have Aided Your Humble Foliage Editor:

1. Avoiding obesity by having to run like hell to catch the city bus after school.

2. A whole one minute and forty seconds more in each of my classes.

3. A whole one minute and forty seconds more of watching Anchorman.

4. A whole one minute and forty seconds more of looking for cheap computer parts on Tiger Direct.

5. (If I were a Record editor) A whole one minute and forty seconds more of glaring and calling people Joe F%*#ing Shmoe.

6. A whole ten minutes more of hiding from the truancy cops.

7. A whole one minute and forty seconds more of watching Channel One.

8. A whole one minute and forty seconds more of reading a good book while pretending to take notes.

9. A whole one minute and forty seconds more of smoking behind the gym.

10. A whole ten minutes more of ISS.

There you have it. The extra ten minutes of school helped me avoid obesity, watch movies, engage in capitalism, glare, practice my ninja skillz, learn more about the world's youth from Katie Couric on drugs, read a John Le Carre novel, escape into another dimension, and be imprisoned in another dimension. We should do this again sometime.

[Note: Everything past the first paragraph is pure hyperbole. Except for the part about Katie Couric on drugs. That was serious (Have you watched Channel One lately?!)]

[Post Note: I am also a ninja.]

[Post Post Note: John Le Carre is also an excellent author. Go ask the librarian if she has any of his novels.]

[Post Post Post Note: Le Carre novels may contain dangerous amounts of awesomeness.]