03 September 2008

The News - Volume 3, Issue 1

[Editor’s Note: The following article is used with permission from SatireWire.com. It is not under the Creative Commons License that AHS Foliage is under. You may laugh at it, you may be confused by it, but frankly, you can’t do much more.]

High School Students Demand Wars in Easier-to-Find Countries
“How Come No One Fights in Big Famous Nations Anymore?” They Ask

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — A delegation of American high school students today demanded the United States stop waging war in obscure nations such as Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Bosnia-Herzegovina, and instead attack places they’ve actually heard of, such as France, Australia, and Austria, unless, they said, those last two are the same country.
“Shouldn’t we, as Americans, get to decide where wars are?” asked sophomore Kate Shermansky.
“People claim we don’t know as much geography as our parents and grandparents, but it’s so not our fault,” Josh Beldoni, a senior at Fischer High School in Los Angeles, told the Senate Armed Services Committee. “Back then they only had wars in, like, Germany and England, but we’re supposed to know about places like Somalia and Massachusetts.”
“Macedonia,” corrected committee Chairman Carl Levin of Michigan.
“See?” said Beldoni.
Beldoni’s frustration was shared by nearly three dozen students at the hearing, who blamed the U.S. military for making them look bad.
“I totally support our soldiers and all that, but I am seriously failing both geography and social studies because I keep getting asked to find Croatia or Yemvrekia, or whatever bizarre-o country we send troops to,” said Amelia Nash, a junior at Clark High School in Orlando, Fla. “Can’t we fight in, like, Italy? It’s boot-shaped.”
Chairman Levin however, explained that Italy was a U.S. ally, and that intervention is usually in response to a specific threat.
“OK, what about Arulco?” interrupted Tyler Boone, a senior at Bellevue High School in Wisconsin. “That’s a country in Jagged Alliance 2 run by the evil Queen Deidranna. I’m totally familiar with that place. She’s a major threat.”
“Jagged...?” said Levin.
“Alliance. It’s a computer game.”
“Well, no,” Levin answered. “We can’t attack a fictional country.”
“Yeah right,” Boone mumbled. “Like Grenada was real.”
The students’ testimony was supported by a cross-section of high school geography teachers, who urged the committee to help lay a solid foundation for America’s young people by curtailing any intervention abroad.
“Since the anti-terror war began, most of my students can now point to Afghanistan on a map, which is fine, but those same kids still don’t know the capitals of Nevada and Ohio,” said Richard Gerber, who teaches at Rhymony High School in Atlanta. “I think we need to cut back on our activities overseas and take care of business at home, and if that means invading Tallahassee (Fla.) or Trenton (N.J.) so that students learn where they are, so be it.”
“I’ve always wanted to stick it to Hartford (Conn.),” said Sen. Lincoln Chafee of Rhode Island. “Oh sh*t, is my microphone on?”
The hearing adjourned after six hours. An estimated 2,000 more students were expected to hold a march in the nation’s capital, but forgot which city it was in.
(Copyright © 1999-2002 SatireWire)

[Editor’s Note: This is an official Foliage article, written by a member of the Foliage staff.]

Eve Exonerated?

JERUSALEM — Startling new evidence in the case of Adam and Eve has been released today by the Biblical Claims Squad of the Israeli National Police Department.
Modern DNA testing has confirmed that Eve was not, as was previously believed, the tempter of Adam and the one who partook of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. This has been one of the most controversial stories of modern history, which began about 5,999 years ago.
Said Detective Inspector Jan Goldmanowitz of the Biblical Claims Squad, “finally we have solid, modern, irrefutable, true, and uncorrupted proof that Eve did not bite the apple. What kinds of implications does this have? Who knows how many errors in translation there are? God’s words are obviously not coming through clearly, and we need to clean out our ears. With science.”
Despite the enthusiasm and praise of many women’s rights groups, evangelicals have been quick to decry the testing. “We hear God fine, thank you very much,” said Pastor, Football Coach, and All-Around American Frank McAbel, “DNA testing is only 99.996% reliable, how can we trust something that has a disaccuracy rate of .004%? I know I can’t. That’s why I don’t use birth control. Can’t trust it.”
Other prominent religious figures were also outraged at the perceived credibility of the findings. In a statement issued by the Office of Papal-Scientific Affairs, the Vatican stated that “DNA testing is not recognized by the Catholic Church, or any of its subsidiary companies, as it is based on the Theory of Evolution, the Theory of Gravity, the Special Theory of Relativity, the General Theory of Relativity, the Big Bang Theory, Cell Theory, Atomic Theory, Critical Pedagogy Theory, Game Theory, the theory of Plate Tectonics, Chaos Theory, Music Theory, Proof Theory, and Social Theory. Therefore, DNA science cannot be proven and I am not the father. What? Not that? Oh, right, Eve. Therefore, it cannot be proven that Eve was not the one who did not refuse to partake of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge.”
Due to the low number of humans around at the time, none of these assertions can be absolutely confirmed or refuted.
The office of The Almighty was contacted for a comment on this story, but has not returned our messages at the time of this printing.