28 September 2007
THE FOLIAGE GUIDE TO
The Other day Was
INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE
A PIRATE DAY!
AVAST ME HEARTIES, YO HO!
Talk Like a Pirate Day started in 2002, and has been gaining ground, or sea, shall we say, ever since. Join the rest of your pirate brethren as we celebrate and commemorate the golden age of piracy!
I. Basic Pirate Lingo
Ahoy!, interjection - A less formal, more pirate-y version of “'sup.”
Avast!, interj - An exclamation of surprise; “Avast! Look at all me homework!” Can also be used to th' attention of others; “Avast, ye scruvy dogs, we're sinking!”
Aye!, interj. - An affirmative; "Why yes, I agree most heartily with everything you just said or did."
Aye aye!, interj.- “Of course!” or “Right away Cap'n!”
Arrr!, interj.- A word for almost all occasions, ranging from swinging 'cross decks of an Indiaman, to announcing one's agreement to a toast made with completely non-alcoholic substances, as Foliage does not in any way shape or form encourage th' use, misuse, or enjoyment of rum.
Yarr!, interj. - See “Aye!”
II. Advanced Pirate Speech
Booty, noun – Treasure. Gold. Gems. Whatever ye may covet, that be yer booty.
Blimey!, interj.- An exclamation of complete and utter surprise.
Briny Deep, noun – Th' Ocean. Can also be used to refer to th' gym hallways.
Bucko, noun – An affectionate term for a friend or companion; “me bucko”
Cutlass, noun – Th' traditional sword of a pirate. Has a curve to th' blade, to make it fit better betwixt one's teeth, or if said one hath no teeth, one's rotted, tobacco (another substance which Foliage really doesn't endorse!) stained gums.
Fair winds!, interj.- Goodbye! Good luck! Au revoir! Later, dude.
Handsomely, adverb – Quickly; “Handsomely, now, lads, or we'll all be feedin' th' fishies in Davy Jone's Locker come sunnup!”
Head, noun – Th' “facilities.” Th' privy. Th' loo.
Jack, noun – Th' flag.
Matey, noun – A common way fer th' Brether'n o' th' Sea t'address eac'other.
Give no quarter!, interj.- Do not accept surrender!
Rum, noun - A drink, th' drinking, gargling, or other manner of consumption which, again, we do not endorse.
Rum, adjective - Crazy.
Savvy?, interj.- Do you understand?
Swag, noun – Another of th' many terms for booty.
III. Tips on Gramer n' Prununsiashun
Most classical pirates were not extremely well-read, and, as such, did not have the most eloquent speech or the most perfect grammar. Since Talk Like A Pirate Day is all about emulating these classical pirates, you must pretend, for one day, that you have horrible grammar and atrocious language skills. Try switching subject and object pronouns, for a start. Drop “unneeded” (or unwanted) letters out of words, to be replaced with apostrophes. And finally, as a cardinal rule of talking like a pirate, always sound like you're drunk (but don't actually be drunk!).
Now that you have at least a basic understanding of pirate terminology, you too can go out and defeat global warming, just by being a pirate. However, this is by no means a full listing of all the words that pirates used (if it was, they would be limited to very brief, boring conversations). Remember that you are free to improvise your own Pirate-speak and lingo. Savvy?
27 May 2007
For now, however, Foliage will not publish any more issues. We shall wait until the beginning of the new school year here at APS (Albuquerque's Publicly corrupted Schools) and another year at AHS.
Keep reading and keep thinking!
P.S. Foliage is busy with all kinds of things, so check back soon! (And by soon, we mean mid-August)
Sorry for the absolutely awful formatting in these issues. We hope to have this problem resolved by the time the next issue is posted.
The Foliage Guide to
Raptors are dangerous. Really dangerous. Really, really, really "oh my god, I don't have a leg anymore because a raptor bit it off, and now he's going to tear me to shreds with his fricking huge claws" dangerous. Dangerous. I'm not even going to go into how dangerous they are, but they're dangerous. Damn dangerous. So dangerous I had to use the word dangerous like 666 x 10dangerous times. That's how dangerous raptors really are.
II. How to recognize a raptor
Now, for clarification, when I say "raptor", I am not referring to the turkey-sized Velociraptor mongoliensis, no I refer to the fricking deadly-as-Dick-Cheney-with-a-shotgun Deinonychus antirrhopus. Generally, you will recognize a raptor only after it has jumped out of its hiding space and ripped you to shreds. For our purposes, however, we will assume you have seen the raptor, but he has not seen you. Yet.
Raptors can reach about 175 lbs in weight, 10 feet in length, and have a hip height of about 4 feet. Oh yeah, and claws. Big, flesh-ripping, "holy crap, my guts are falling out of my eviscerated abdomen and the raptor's eating them! The raptors are eating my #$%^ing intestines! Oh dear god, the pain! AAAaaaaAAaaaauuuughgggggghhhhhhhhhh!" claws. Stay away from those.
If you ever get close enough to examine a raptor's mouth (please make absolutely certain that said raptor is thoroughly dead; Foliage recommends shooting it again, just for good measure) you will notice that is has around 60 teeth. Big, long, blade-like teeth that could rip you to shreds in a matter of moments. Fun.
III. How to defend against a raptor attack
Raptors hunt in groups, much like wolves, hyenas, or Republicans. Therefore, you must be prepared to fend off several raptors from your fortifications. Raptors are intelligent, just like wolves, hyenas, and
Republicans. Raptors will attempt to enter the building you are inside by any means possible. This generally means smashing a large window and jumping through, usually. There have been unconfirmed reports of raptor locksmiths. If you get one of those, you're screwed.
Therefore, all windows (including 2 meter-wide exhaust ports, which are also vulnerable to proton torpedoes) should be barricaded and further closed to raptors. French windows, picture windows, etc. should be smashed out and covered with thick plate metal, sturdy wood, or, ideally, cement or bricks. High, small windows such as basement or bathroom or attic windows should be secure. Sturdy doors, especially fire-resistant doors should be secure.
Kill or otherwise neutralize all the animal activists. Trust me on this one. When you're trying to lure a raptor out of its hiding place with Bambi, the last thing you need is PETA rushing in to save him and giving away your hiding place.
Stop by Wal-Mart for some automatic weapons, high-capacity magazines, hollow-point rounds, and other implements of death legalized by the expiration of the Federal Assault Weapons Ban.
Thank your Congressmen for allowing the Federal Assault Weapons Ban to expire. They have shown incredible foresight in their decision to defend the Fatherland from raptors, even if it does mean any Joe-shoot-'em up can get his hands on military-grade weaponry. Well, a small price to pay for security from the imminent threat of raptor attacks, right?
How the Extra 10 Minutes of School Have Aided Your Humble Foliage Editor
As you all probably know (except for those of you who ditch or
ditch have early dismissals), Albuquerque High School, and indeed the rest of the monolithic BEAST that is Albuquerque Public Schools, has had it's school day extended by ten minutes for the past several weeks. This was due to the fact that APS is legally obligated to keep us in large, windowless buildings for 180 days a year, but they didn't want to have to miss the fabulous Barbadian Memorial Day parties (See The Foliage Guide To Safer Sex). So, someone at APS central headquarters came up with the brilliant idea of simply extending the day a few minutes. What a stroke of brilliance!
Now, without further adieu, the Top Ten Ways the Extra 10 Minutes of School Have Aided Your Humble Foliage Editor:
Avoiding obesity by having to run like hell to catch the city bus after school.
A whole one minute and forty seconds more in each of my classes.
A whole one minute and forty seconds more of watching Anchorman.
A whole one minute and forty seconds more of looking for cheap computer parts on Tiger Direct.
(If I were a Record editor) A whole one minute and forty seconds more of glaring and calling people Joe F%*#ing Shmoe.
A whole ten minutes more of hiding from the truancy cops.
A whole one minute and forty seconds more of watching Channel One.
A whole one minute and forty seconds more of reading a good book while pretending to take notes.
A whole one minute and forty seconds more of smoking behind the gym.
A whole ten minutes more of ISS.
There you have it. The extra ten minutes of school helped me avoid obesity, watch movies, engage in capitalism, glare, practice my ninja skillz, learn more about the world's youth from Katie Couric on drugs, read a John Le Carre novel, escape into another dimension, and be imprisoned in another dimension. We should do this again sometime.
[Note: Everything past the first paragraph is pure hyperbole. Except for the part about Katie Couric on drugs. That was serious (Have you watched Channel One lately?!)]
[Post Note: I am also a ninja.]
[Post Post Note: John Le Carre is also an excellent author. Go ask the librarian if she has any of his novels.]
[Post Post Post Note: Le Carre novels may contain dangerous amounts of awesomeness.]
Student Government – Valiant Protection of Student Free Speech or Ridiculous Charade?
A Brief History of Student Government
In the beginning, there was only the principal. For nigh on 6,000 years it was so; a monopoly of educational governance by an administration. Then, the principle chose students in His own form – those that would later go on and continue in His way and His words. Finding that this really didn't work, the principle decided to relegate the whole thing to the Activities Director and have them plan parties – henceforth to be called pep rallies.
Student Government – How can we govern? Why do we govern? Where shall we have the parties?
Being the astute readers of Foliage that you are, you of course recall that our entire school was recently called to an assembly. It was actually less of an assembly – such a word denotes actual organization and order – rather, a pep rally. In a school where pep and school spirit are firmly concentrated in the morning meetings of a pseudo-autonomous student body, our leaders are appointed to due little else than complete the Herculean tasks of reading homeroom announcements and planning pep rallies.
Perhaps it's for the best that we let the supposed “Student Government” revel in completely nongovernmental activities. After all, we wouldn't like them to implement any of the propositions explained in previous issues of Foliage (zombie preparedness, safer sex, freedom of speech), now would we? Of course not. Then again, it is conceivable that pep rallies aid the Student Government in some way (we at Foliage are hard at work researching this possibility). Perhaps Albuquerque High School’s massive amount of brainwave activity is captured on a gymnasium-size Electroencephalograph machine and used to measure student support for a proposed schedule change. Then again, perhaps not.
Why would we want our student representatives to do anything other than plan big parties? Isn't that what every high school student wants—to skip class and party with black lights, scantily-clad cheerleaders, while athletes walk mutely onstage, huddle, and then anticlimactically amble off, everything set to the grating soundtrack of a hip-hop DJ’s cacophonous voice? Doesn't this propagate a horrible stereotype? Couldn't the money spent on a pep rally be better spent buying new computers or paying for track to go to Santa Fe? What would we have learned had we not spent a whole day reflecting on how pretty the black lights were? No, no, that is preposterous. Pep rallies are the ultimate instrument of high school education. Everybody knows that.
We at Foliage believe that Student Government could be used to prevent large-scale fights by providing a safe and responsive forum, and to propose improvements to the school to the principle and the rest of the administration. If a Student Government has no authority or even regular meetings with the principle of a school to discuss matters of concern, what use is it? Shouldn't it be reorganized, reformed, or even disbanded?
No way. It’s too much fun to party.
Student Government – Democracy through Populist Rallies, Unobtrusive Government, and Fantastic Diversions!
I. A Brief History of Student Government
In the beginning, there was only the principal. For nigh on 6,000 years it was so: a monopoly of educational governance by an administration. Then, the principle chose students in His own form – those that would later go on and continue in His way and His words. Finding that this really didn't work all that well, the principle decided to relegate the whole thing to the Activities Director and have them plan parties – henceforth to be called pep rallies.
II. Student Government – How can we govern? Why do we govern? Where shall we have the parties?
Student government at Albuquerque High School is one of the most important organizations that meet within our hallowed, windowless halls. Our student government is so marvelously effective that they have managed to render themselves completely ineffective. Although this may seem like a redundancy, do not underestimate the power and cunning of the student government. They have cleverly put on the guise of inefficiency to mask their true agenda from the administration, which would surely disband them if they revealed their secret campaign for student rights and zombie preparedness.
Pep rallies, however, are completely a mystery. Why our crusading student government would possibly want to bother itself with planning these giant optical orgies is beyond the mental capacity of your humble Foliage editors. Of course, it is entirely plausible that pep rallies aid the Student Government in their decision process some way (we at Foliage are hard at work researching this possibility). Perhaps the massive amounts of brainwave activity are captured on a gymnasium-size Electroencephalograph machine and are used to measure student concerns and for secret brainwave ballots (the United States government has recently reported that according to subconscious EEG surveys, the majority of Americans support getting extra holes in their heads, despite their conscious misconceptions).
The Student Government at Albuquerque High (doubtless under pressure or being mind-controlled by forces unknown) has voted against having two lunches. Against, I tell you! If we didn't have two lunches, what would we do while ditching fourth period? Study?! Obviously, the leaders of our student government realized this was a grave infringement on our unalienable rights and attempted to derail the proposal to vote on the number of lunches by instead planning a huge pep rally! Unfortunately, it seems that their heroic attempts were in vain.
We at Foliage believe that our Student Government is an heroic and crusading organization whose only aim is to promote the welfare of students at Albuquerque High School. If you ever harbor any doubt as to the effectiveness or efficiency of our student government, just remember how much more awesome a dance is than having rights.
[Legal note: the editors of Foliage cannot and should not be held accountable for anything they say due to the adverse effects of the giant EEG machine in the gym.]
[Further Legal Note: The AHS in the name of AHS Foliage doesn’t refer to an affiliation with the school, much as the Albuquerque in the name of the Albuquerque Journal doesn’t refer to being sponsored by the city. It’s a locational thing, not an organizaitonal sponsorship]
[Yet one more Legal Note: these legal notes have little relevancy, and have been breeding unchecked behind our backs]
[Legal Note Four: Seriously, these notes are getting out of hand!]
[Legal Note the Fifth: Oh god they’ve got my leg. Someone help me! There’s too many of them, I can’t last much longer]
[Legal Note Number 6: BURRPP!]
Why does Foliage exist?
Why does the picture keep shrinking?
Why would someone bother with their own school newspaper?
Why is the paper asking rhetorical questions?
(this is The Free Speech Issue)
Why Foliage Exists –
Firstly, Foliage is powered almost entirely by spite and bitterness, combined with whimsy. It exists because it has been planning to exist for too many years.
More importantly, Foliage exists because a media monopoly should not exist anywhere in the world, and as much as we are pleased by the development of the Record into something perhaps more meaningful than a standard High School newspaper, it’s being school-sponsored and school-controlled invalidate any potential it had for provoking institutional change.
Lost half of you there. Which is a pity, but not something that needs pandering to. The Record does exactly what a paper controlled by a government is supposed to – report on relevant issues, but never expose serious flaws (i.e.: this school is so very, very lacking in Zombie preparation that we will not be able to survive another October). Also, graduating classes are about half the size of entering freshman classes, which is a sign of a failure on such a large scale that it cannot be attributed to individuals themselves. Things are wrong with our school, and perhaps it’s too small an arena for attention from paid professionals, and it might seem like too much to ask high-schoolers to deal with, but we of Foliage believe that this work is still relevant in the microcosm of AHS.
This is Not the Record was promising. It was a huge production, seemingly unaffiliated with anything, and it meant to provide a critical voice. Had it succeeded, had it not been threatened out of existence, the paper you’re holding would be focusing on how to catch leprechauns and the best uses for fools gold. Instead, with the emergent watchdog shunned out of existence, the humorous approach must be set aside to allow, instead, for something less entertaining, and instead more hideously realistic.
The Need for a Free Speech Issue
There’s no holiday to tie this into - instead, the reason for this issue is two cartoons. The cartoons, as you may be aware, were allowed to be published and then, after criticism, a second edition of the paper was produced, with new comics in place of the “Hoe bags” and “Uh-oh Oreos”. The cost of printing the paper is, I believe, estimated at a few hundred dollars an issue. Most of the cost isn’t passed on to the school, as the paper is funded by ads for organizations who can take advantage of marketing to “this schools unique population” (another objection, but an objection for latter). Still, re-printing a paper is just not done. The greats, the pillars of journalism, issue a three-sentence apology for such issues, and that is a cost they don’t want. Our paper reprints the entire issue on behalf of two comics.
Were the comics tasteless? Debatably. Could an editor have caught them? Assuredly. Are we overlooking the irony of pseudo-racist cartoons in a paper “Celebrating Diversity”? Yeah, yeah we are. The paper had no objections to these being printed in the first place; it took outside complaints to cause the reaction that followed. Self-censorship was lacking, and it took other forces to compel a change in behavior.
Printing non-offensive cartoons is not a bad thing; quite often, it’s a mediocre thing, but it isn’t inherently bad. However, making a statement, putting something out there, and then not having the guts to stick to it, to adequately defend that act, or even to issue a real, formal apology, is weak. The media does not exist to hide information; the media exists to expose information as much as possible.
The paper should not have been reprinted. The cartoonist can have his comics, and suffer the consequences of them being out there, but the paper shouldn’t gloss over the speech of its contributors, especially not after the fact. Hiding reality does no good; allowing it to become a spark for intelligent discussion on racism is far, far more beneficial. This a challenge out there, a gauntlet thrown to the Record – can you justify this mistake? Can you report on your own flaw, and make something meaningful out of it? You messed up, and so now the only decent option available to you is to clean it up, and explain why the change of heart, why the bananas, and why the disdainful attitudes of the editors towards even acknowledging the problem.
AHS Foliage isn’t an official organization, has no agenda other than what is stated in the various pieces of print you may be holding, and is really nothing to get terribly upset about. Excepting when you should be getting terribly upset. No need to prosecute us.
Foliage Safer Sex Guide
Let’s start this off brutally honest – I don’t like you. Any of you, really, and it would do me little good to see more of you in the world. So I am always in favor of you not doing things that could have progeny as a side-effect. Sadly, you somehow tend to manage to overcome your glaring flaws and find willing partners. Since this is obvious proof that this is not my ideal world, more needs to be done. (Note: for those of you who seek to go forth and propagate, I mean you no ill will; if it is willing, deliberate, and appropriate, or even if it isn’t and you still have the gumption to go through with it, you have earned some degree of admiration (not that I’m commending you; I’m saying that takes courage). This is instead intended for those who have no such decent intentions). So, I present you miscreants with this, a tome devised to help you avoid spreading your seed in my fertile earth.
For a second shot of brutal honesty, this is a fact that needs facing – you will be having sex, no matter how many times our health books say it is sin (I might be confusing them with bibles. forgive me). So, abstinence is obviously the best way to ensure no future unplanned generations, but it is so freakishly unrealistic that it almost isn’t worth mentioning. Also, an emphasis on abstinence has the added negative effect making serious, informed, intelligent discourse about sex almost impossible, especially in group settings. (Kid who laughs every time he hears the word “condom”, I’m aiming this at you.) Right, with that settled, what follows is a short and hopefully helpful summation of ways to participate in life as is without too much guilt or children.
Condoms – Durex Extra Sensitive Lubricated is best (according to Consumer Reports), and can be found at most gas stations and supermarkets, as well as the places you’d expect to find them. A tad pricey. Other good options are Trojan Lifestyle (affordable and quality) and Planned Parenthood Lollipop (which is free, and not bad).
Hormonal – Exclusively for women, this is really just the fancy term for birth control pills. Properly used, the pill is exceedingly effective (less that 1% failure in typical use); as an added bonus, it prevents menstrual cramps, and lessens the severity of periods, or so I’ve been told. Requires a prescription, which can be issued for severe menstrual pain as well as for other things.
Emergency Contraception – Technically a hormonal method, EC is definitely something worth keeping on hand. Ideally, I’d be telling you this on valentines or the day after, but the weather has riled my arthritis and only now are my joints usable. Back to the point – Emergency Contraception is a godsend, that can prevent a pregnancy even if a condom broke or a pill was missed. Not to used instead of, as they day of taking the pill can be a trying hormonal rush, but it is most definitely better than an unexpected/unplanned child. The hard part is that it requires a prescription if you’re under 18 (some exceptions), and Walgreens, Target, and Wal-Mart all allow their pharmacists to refuse to sell it, if they have moral objections. Or are Scientologists.
4. Resources and Final Note
http://www.consumerreports.org/ (search “condoms”)
This is a non-profit creation without any intent other than humor. Not that the information is invalid – only the bias is. This was not done by funding from any leftist social engineering groups, nor was it produced really for any reason at all other than whim. It doesn’t need to be banned, and it isn’t harmful. Also, Foliage is a non-entity, and so cannot be persecuted. Thank you for your time and tolerance in building a less-populated future.
(note: This is the historic first issue of Foliage! Before we were even Foliage! Imagine that, AHS without Foliage...it's like apartheid South Africa without Nelson Mandela, except Mandela didn't talk about zombies...)
AHS Zombie Preparedness Guide
Before we can get into what a zombie is and why you need to be prepared against them, a definition will be handy.
Wikitionary provides that a zombie is: A person that is undead; a reanimated corpse.
A more useful encyclopedia provides that zombies are a subspecies of humans which are the byproduct of any physical, metaphysical, or metalengual process which perverts the natural death process of the individual by allowing the decaying corpse to walk amongst the still breathing to fulfill the needs of the lower brain to feast upon the flesh and brains of the living…
Right, now that that is done, onto why this is
AHS and Zombies
As you may have noticed, AHS is built like a fort. Or a prison, or a barracks. At any rate, the school is designed to contain riots and as such is a potentially wretched place to be trapped.
Zombies know this. One of the most uncanny features of a zombie is it’s ability to find places where it shouldn’t be, and where it can mind trapped innocents. It does not help our school to any degree that we have a cemetery nearby, as this only aids the zombies and directs them to us, rather than to any other, less noble institution. Zombies want easy prey, and since our school is located next to a potential den of fresh zombies, they will find themselves at our school, instead of their usual haunts of rickety houses, woods, and castles. Anyways, our beloved school is a place quite susceptible to a zombie attack, and in the event that this does occur, we need to be ready.
III. The Ideal Plan: Evacuation
The best way to not be attacked by a zombie is to not be where a zombie is. To this end, the first and best step anyone can take is to get out of the school, get into a vehicle, and drive off. Were this all that needed doing, I would not be sitting here pounding out this informative pamphlet.
The tricky part in this is getting out of the school. Zombies swarm places, and tend to spend hours pounding away at windows and doors trying to get in. Thus, any attempt by us to flee the school would mean running a gauntlet of zombies, and letting the wretched denizens of the night into the school. This is the worst idea possible, as a horde of zombies is not what we want in our narrow and constrictive halls.
However, there is a slim chance that an evacuation can work. If, upon noticing the impending onslaught of zombies, someone alert enough inform the school, we will have time to flee to our vehicles, and should be able to make it out mostly intact.
The possibility is slim, and the cost of posting a lookout is probably prohibitive, so I do not expect this to happen, and must then devote the rest of this pamphlet to the pound of cure.
The Less-than-Ideal Plan: Outlasting the Zombies
This is, most certainly, the most cautious course of action we could take. Staying holed up inside the school, we could, in theory, survive for long enough that those better trained and better equipped to deal with the undead scourge could take care of the problem for us. Our school does have foodstuffs and water, and certainly enough room to house all our students. With our security guards, we could evacuate the science building and get those students in the main part of the school, and we could remain camped out for a time.
This plan runs into a few problems. The first is that, given the many causes of zombiefication, a waterborne virus could end up contaminating our water supply, leading to a horrible gruesome scene.
The risk of something going horribly wrong in the science building is also a problem, especially give the sheer numbers of zombies that will need to be fended off during the evacuation. The chance of a student or security guard being bitten is great, and since it will take time for them to zombify, we will have sleeper zombies in our midst. A serious problem.
The last major problem is parents. Parents will want their children home, and parents will do many desperate things to bring their children home after a hostile situation. Remember Belsan? Of course not, few people do. It was a school held hostage that had a horrible ending when parents attempted to storm it to free their progeny. No, staying holed up in the school is not the best plan.
The Plan We Will Have to Enact: Fighting Our Way Out in Time for Dinner
This is going to seem silly as a suggestion, as it is more foolhardy and poses the highest risk of anything I have suggested so far.
The risks are indeed high. We might die, we might become zombies, we might fail and panic and run the hall screaming and trapped. We also might be late for dinner. But the benefits are greater.
This is where we get glory, where we get heroes, and where we get to look with pity on those who were unable to help themselves. Also, we have just the right school to pull this off.
The plan is going to be a tricky thing, executed with all the precision we can muster.
We will need to let the zombies in, trap as many as we can, and then sneak out through a circuitous path. Any path that allows only one person through will be kept open, with people standing by while the zombies swarm one at a time through the narrow gap. When their advantage of numbers is lost, we have a chance, and with willing souls placed in the right places, they could buy enough time for everyone else.
The full plan has been submitted to those most responsible for disseminating it. The essence of it is distilled here, and make sure to ask those who seem knowledgeable when the zombie attack does come.
Portables. If you are in the portables at the onset of the zombie onslaught, you are most likely doubly screwed. The cemetary is nearby, the portables have no supplies of water or food, and the walls of the portables are the weakest of any part of the school (save perhaps the glass of the new building). If you are in the portables and see zombies coming, run. Run as fast as you possibly can toward the main building, or your cars if you are parked near enough. This is the only, I repeat only, time that fleeing hastily is better than waiting and formulating a plan.
Science Building. If you are in the science building, you will have the aid of both various volatile substances and thick walls. However, as the science is cut off from the rest of the school, you will find that outlasting the zombies is only slightly easier here than it would be in the portables. The best bet is to barricade most of the doors, stockpile as much fire-causing substance as you can gather, and then let the main building know you are coming. With a bit of luck, you can cause a powerful enough fire to delay the zombies and then make it to safety.
The New Building. If you are in here and see zombies, barricade the windows, run downstairs and then make it into the 400 hall, which can be sealed off. If you are on the second floor and see Zombies, you will have a desperate fight to keep the stairways free.
The Theater. Perhaps the safest space in the school would be the catwalk, where zombies can be fended off one by one and have the disadvantage of having to climb. However, few people can safely fit up there, so the easily defended upper floors of the gym might be a better bet.
The DECA Room. If you find yourself here when the zombies attack, the best you can do is hold half a hogie to each side fo your head, as zombies will want their food properly prepared. The room is defensible, but you won’t be able to afford what you eat, and the items inside are more valuble as commodities than they are as weapons.
How to disable a zombie
As this is a guide intended to protect against zombies and is not distributed to those in a high enough position to make all the necessary precautions, the event of zombies actually breaking into the school and having to be fought off exists. Thus, this section will cover how to deal with the zombies on a more personal scale.
There are two ways to disable a zombie. The first is harder and less pleasant. It involves tearing the zombies body into enough pieces that it can no longer move. Odds are that while doing this you will end up hurt yourself, and probably end up zombiefied.
The other method is to destroy or damage the brain. With lamps, records, rocks, or other useful projectiles, ideally. But back to the point – a zombie with a destroyed brain doesn’t work.
Destroying the brain is a tricky process, and in our last section, I will go over tools you can use in your efforts.
Weapons to use against Zombies
Chainsaw. This is a classic, and in the narrow confines of our school would work really well. However, it suffers from two weaknesses. The first is that it can run out of fuel, leaving you with an unwieldy blunt object. The second is that we don’t have them at school, and are screwed in that department.
Shotgun. This is the definitive zombie fighting weapon. It has stopping power, can hit multiple foes, and you can tell primitive screwheads that it is your boomstick. Also, no chance of having one at school.
Other guns/weapons. If you have them, which you don’t because you are all good kids, then great. Otherwise, we will have to rely on improvised tools.
Textbooks – with enough weight and an accurate throwing arm, can potentially hurt a zombie. Not worth carrying around just for that purpose, however.
Rocks. A good rock can easily slow down a zombie. Just make sure to throw them, and have a few.
Improvised weapons made in the science supply rooms. these don’t exist. Shh!
Mrs. Rutter’s Potato Cannon. Probably the best thing we could get, provided we can find potatoes.
Clubs. The best weapons for close combat we could find. They have enough reach to hit a zombie in the head, and they could probably damage the brain. You just have to hit the zombie a lot.
Fire. Burning zombies works too. In fact, it works quite well. Burn them, if you can do it from distance or if you need to escape a zombie’s clutches
At this point, the weapons you are using will not be intended to do more than disable zombies. The plan is to get out of the school safely, so these can help knock a zombie off your path, but will not be ideal redeading one.
A Final Word
The labs at the neighboring schools may also pose threats; if the zombie horde comes from that direction, than my warnings will need to be revised. Also, zombie attacks are rare and isolated events, much like the risk of an envelope containing anthrax the risk of violence with a weapon brought onto school by a student, or the chance of a plane being filled with snakes. These things happen, so a plan should always be in place. After all, IT COULD HAPPEN HERE.
They are the experts with the knowledge. I am just a feeble pamphleteer who is trying to do a public service and has no intention of profiting at all from their hard work. I also see no need to use weaker phrasing than the ones they have devised, and so I have, most likely, technically plagiarized.
Also, vote Human and not Zombie. It is enough that they are in our cemeteries, we do not want them in our capitals
This has been a presentation by Foliage PAC, and falls under the provision for handing out political leaflets at school.
Or this is perfectly harmless and we don’t need to be prosecuted. That would be cool too.