Sorry for the absolutely awful formatting in these issues. We hope to have this problem resolved by the time the next issue is posted.
The Foliage Guide to
Raptors
Raptors are dangerous. Really dangerous. Really, really, really "oh my god, I don't have a leg anymore because a raptor bit it off, and now he's going to tear me to shreds with his fricking huge claws" dangerous. Dangerous. I'm not even going to go into how dangerous they are, but they're dangerous. Damn dangerous. So dangerous I had to use the word dangerous like 666 x 10dangerous times. That's how dangerous raptors really are.
II. How to recognize a raptor
Now, for clarification, when I say "raptor", I am not referring to the turkey-sized Velociraptor mongoliensis, no I refer to the fricking deadly-as-Dick-Cheney-with-a-shotgun Deinonychus antirrhopus. Generally, you will recognize a raptor only after it has jumped out of its hiding space and ripped you to shreds. For our purposes, however, we will assume you have seen the raptor, but he has not seen you. Yet.
Raptors can reach about 175 lbs in weight, 10 feet in length, and have a hip height of about 4 feet. Oh yeah, and claws. Big, flesh-ripping, "holy crap, my guts are falling out of my eviscerated abdomen and the raptor's eating them! The raptors are eating my #$%^ing intestines! Oh dear god, the pain! AAAaaaaAAaaaauuuughgggggghhhhhhhhhh!" claws. Stay away from those.
If you ever get close enough to examine a raptor's mouth (please make absolutely certain that said raptor is thoroughly dead; Foliage recommends shooting it again, just for good measure) you will notice that is has around 60 teeth. Big, long, blade-like teeth that could rip you to shreds in a matter of moments. Fun.
Raptors are very close relatives to birds, and as such, are rather feathery. Do not, however, attempt to touch a raptor. Go pet a raptor. Go on. They're really fuzzy. They won't bite. I swear.
III. How to defend against a raptor attack
Raptors hunt in groups, much like wolves, hyenas, or Republicans. Therefore, you must be prepared to fend off several raptors from your fortifications. Raptors are intelligent, just like wolves, hyenas, and
Republicans. Raptors will attempt to enter the building you are inside by any means possible. This generally means smashing a large window and jumping through, usually. There have been unconfirmed reports of raptor locksmiths. If you get one of those, you're screwed.Therefore, all windows (including 2 meter-wide exhaust ports, which are also vulnerable to proton torpedoes) should be barricaded and further closed to raptors. French windows, picture windows, etc. should be smashed out and covered with thick plate metal, sturdy wood, or, ideally, cement or bricks. High, small windows such as basement or bathroom or attic windows should be secure. Sturdy doors, especially fire-resistant doors should be secure.
Kill or otherwise neutralize all the animal activists. Trust me on this one. When you're trying to lure a raptor out of its hiding place with Bambi, the last thing you need is PETA rushing in to save him and giving away your hiding place.
Stop by Wal-Mart for some automatic weapons, high-capacity magazines, hollow-point rounds, and other implements of death legalized by the expiration of the Federal Assault Weapons Ban.
Thank your Congressmen for allowing the Federal Assault Weapons Ban to expire. They have shown incredible foresight in their decision to defend the Fatherland from raptors, even if it does mean any Joe-shoot-'em up can get his hands on military-grade weaponry. Well, a small price to pay for security from the imminent threat of raptor attacks, right?
Kill some raptors. But only if they attack you first. Remember kids, preemptive strikes are bad.
How the Extra 10 Minutes of School Have Aided Your Humble Foliage Editor
As you all probably know (except for those of you who ditch or ditch have early dismissals), Albuquerque High School, and indeed the rest of the monolithic BEAST that is Albuquerque Public Schools, has had it's school day extended by ten minutes for the past several weeks. This was due to the fact that APS is legally obligated to keep us in large, windowless buildings for 180 days a year, but they didn't want to have to miss the fabulous Barbadian Memorial Day parties (See The Foliage Guide To Safer Sex). So, someone at APS central headquarters came up with the brilliant idea of simply extending the day a few minutes. What a stroke of brilliance!
Now, without further adieu, the Top Ten Ways the Extra 10 Minutes of School Have Aided Your Humble Foliage Editor:
Avoiding obesity by having to run like hell to catch the city bus after school.
A whole one minute and forty seconds more in each of my classes.
A whole one minute and forty seconds more of watching Anchorman.
A whole one minute and forty seconds more of looking for cheap computer parts on Tiger Direct.
(If I were a Record editor) A whole one minute and forty seconds more of glaring and calling people Joe F%*#ing Shmoe.
A whole ten minutes more of hiding from the truancy cops.
A whole one minute and forty seconds more of watching Channel One.
A whole one minute and forty seconds more of reading a good book while pretending to take notes.
A whole one minute and forty seconds more of smoking behind the gym.
A whole ten minutes more of ISS.
There you have it. The extra ten minutes of school helped me avoid obesity, watch movies, engage in capitalism, glare, practice my ninja skillz, learn more about the world's youth from Katie Couric on drugs, read a John Le Carre novel, escape into another dimension, and be imprisoned in another dimension. We should do this again sometime.
[Note: Everything past the first paragraph is pure hyperbole. Except for the part about Katie Couric on drugs. That was serious (Have you watched Channel One lately?!)]
[Post Note: I am also a ninja.]
[Post Post Note: John Le Carre is also an excellent author. Go ask the librarian if she has any of his novels.]
[Post Post Post Note: Le Carre novels may contain dangerous amounts of awesomeness.]
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