27 May 2007

The AHS Zombie Preparedness Guide, Vol. 1, Issue 1

(note: This is the historic first issue of Foliage! Before we were even Foliage! Imagine that, AHS without Foliage...it's like apartheid South Africa without Nelson Mandela, except Mandela didn't talk about zombies...)

AHS Zombie Preparedness Guide

  1. Introduction

Before we can get into what a zombie is and why you need to be prepared against them, a definition will be handy.

Wikitionary provides that a zombie is: A person that is undead; a reanimated corpse.

A more useful encyclopedia provides that zombies are a subspecies of humans which are the byproduct of any physical, metaphysical, or metalengual process which perverts the natural death process of the individual by allowing the decaying corpse to walk amongst the still breathing to fulfill the needs of the lower brain to feast upon the flesh and brains of the living…

Right, now that that is done, onto why this is


  1. AHS and Zombies

As you may have noticed, AHS is built like a fort. Or a prison, or a barracks. At any rate, the school is designed to contain riots and as such is a potentially wretched place to be trapped.

Zombies know this. One of the most uncanny features of a zombie is it’s ability to find places where it shouldn’t be, and where it can mind trapped innocents. It does not help our school to any degree that we have a cemetery nearby, as this only aids the zombies and directs them to us, rather than to any other, less noble institution. Zombies want easy prey, and since our school is located next to a potential den of fresh zombies, they will find themselves at our school, instead of their usual haunts of rickety houses, woods, and castles. Anyways, our beloved school is a place quite susceptible to a zombie attack, and in the event that this does occur, we need to be ready.

III. The Ideal Plan: Evacuation

The best way to not be attacked by a zombie is to not be where a zombie is. To this end, the first and best step anyone can take is to get out of the school, get into a vehicle, and drive off. Were this all that needed doing, I would not be sitting here pounding out this informative pamphlet.

The tricky part in this is getting out of the school. Zombies swarm places, and tend to spend hours pounding away at windows and doors trying to get in. Thus, any attempt by us to flee the school would mean running a gauntlet of zombies, and letting the wretched denizens of the night into the school. This is the worst idea possible, as a horde of zombies is not what we want in our narrow and constrictive halls.

However, there is a slim chance that an evacuation can work. If, upon noticing the impending onslaught of zombies, someone alert enough inform the school, we will have time to flee to our vehicles, and should be able to make it out mostly intact.

The possibility is slim, and the cost of posting a lookout is probably prohibitive, so I do not expect this to happen, and must then devote the rest of this pamphlet to the pound of cure.

  1. The Less-than-Ideal Plan: Outlasting the Zombies

This is, most certainly, the most cautious course of action we could take. Staying holed up inside the school, we could, in theory, survive for long enough that those better trained and better equipped to deal with the undead scourge could take care of the problem for us. Our school does have foodstuffs and water, and certainly enough room to house all our students. With our security guards, we could evacuate the science building and get those students in the main part of the school, and we could remain camped out for a time.

This plan runs into a few problems. The first is that, given the many causes of zombiefication, a waterborne virus could end up contaminating our water supply, leading to a horrible gruesome scene.

The risk of something going horribly wrong in the science building is also a problem, especially give the sheer numbers of zombies that will need to be fended off during the evacuation. The chance of a student or security guard being bitten is great, and since it will take time for them to zombify, we will have sleeper zombies in our midst. A serious problem.

The last major problem is parents. Parents will want their children home, and parents will do many desperate things to bring their children home after a hostile situation. Remember Belsan? Of course not, few people do. It was a school held hostage that had a horrible ending when parents attempted to storm it to free their progeny. No, staying holed up in the school is not the best plan.

  1. The Plan We Will Have to Enact: Fighting Our Way Out in Time for Dinner

This is going to seem silly as a suggestion, as it is more foolhardy and poses the highest risk of anything I have suggested so far.

The risks are indeed high. We might die, we might become zombies, we might fail and panic and run the hall screaming and trapped. We also might be late for dinner. But the benefits are greater.

This is where we get glory, where we get heroes, and where we get to look with pity on those who were unable to help themselves. Also, we have just the right school to pull this off.

The plan is going to be a tricky thing, executed with all the precision we can muster.

We will need to let the zombies in, trap as many as we can, and then sneak out through a circuitous path. Any path that allows only one person through will be kept open, with people standing by while the zombies swarm one at a time through the narrow gap. When their advantage of numbers is lost, we have a chance, and with willing souls placed in the right places, they could buy enough time for everyone else.

The full plan has been submitted to those most responsible for disseminating it. The essence of it is distilled here, and make sure to ask those who seem knowledgeable when the zombie attack does come.

  1. Area-Specific Solutions

Portables. If you are in the portables at the onset of the zombie onslaught, you are most likely doubly screwed. The cemetary is nearby, the portables have no supplies of water or food, and the walls of the portables are the weakest of any part of the school (save perhaps the glass of the new building). If you are in the portables and see zombies coming, run. Run as fast as you possibly can toward the main building, or your cars if you are parked near enough. This is the only, I repeat only, time that fleeing hastily is better than waiting and formulating a plan.

Science Building. If you are in the science building, you will have the aid of both various volatile substances and thick walls. However, as the science is cut off from the rest of the school, you will find that outlasting the zombies is only slightly easier here than it would be in the portables. The best bet is to barricade most of the doors, stockpile as much fire-causing substance as you can gather, and then let the main building know you are coming. With a bit of luck, you can cause a powerful enough fire to delay the zombies and then make it to safety.

The New Building. If you are in here and see zombies, barricade the windows, run downstairs and then make it into the 400 hall, which can be sealed off. If you are on the second floor and see Zombies, you will have a desperate fight to keep the stairways free.

The Theater. Perhaps the safest space in the school would be the catwalk, where zombies can be fended off one by one and have the disadvantage of having to climb. However, few people can safely fit up there, so the easily defended upper floors of the gym might be a better bet.

The DECA Room. If you find yourself here when the zombies attack, the best you can do is hold half a hogie to each side fo your head, as zombies will want their food properly prepared. The room is defensible, but you won’t be able to afford what you eat, and the items inside are more valuble as commodities than they are as weapons.

  1. How to disable a zombie

As this is a guide intended to protect against zombies and is not distributed to those in a high enough position to make all the necessary precautions, the event of zombies actually breaking into the school and having to be fought off exists. Thus, this section will cover how to deal with the zombies on a more personal scale.

There are two ways to disable a zombie. The first is harder and less pleasant. It involves tearing the zombies body into enough pieces that it can no longer move. Odds are that while doing this you will end up hurt yourself, and probably end up zombiefied.

The other method is to destroy or damage the brain. With lamps, records, rocks, or other useful projectiles, ideally. But back to the point – a zombie with a destroyed brain doesn’t work.

Destroying the brain is a tricky process, and in our last section, I will go over tools you can use in your efforts.

  1. Weapons to use against Zombies

  1. Chainsaw. This is a classic, and in the narrow confines of our school would work really well. However, it suffers from two weaknesses. The first is that it can run out of fuel, leaving you with an unwieldy blunt object. The second is that we don’t have them at school, and are screwed in that department.

  2. Shotgun. This is the definitive zombie fighting weapon. It has stopping power, can hit multiple foes, and you can tell primitive screwheads that it is your boomstick. Also, no chance of having one at school.

  3. Other guns/weapons. If you have them, which you don’t because you are all good kids, then great. Otherwise, we will have to rely on improvised tools.

  4. Textbooks – with enough weight and an accurate throwing arm, can potentially hurt a zombie. Not worth carrying around just for that purpose, however.

  5. Rocks. A good rock can easily slow down a zombie. Just make sure to throw them, and have a few.

  6. Improvised weapons made in the science supply rooms. these don’t exist. Shh!

  7. Mrs. Rutter’s Potato Cannon. Probably the best thing we could get, provided we can find potatoes.

  8. Clubs. The best weapons for close combat we could find. They have enough reach to hit a zombie in the head, and they could probably damage the brain. You just have to hit the zombie a lot.

  9. Fire. Burning zombies works too. In fact, it works quite well. Burn them, if you can do it from distance or if you need to escape a zombie’s clutches

At this point, the weapons you are using will not be intended to do more than disable zombies. The plan is to get out of the school safely, so these can help knock a zombie off your path, but will not be ideal redeading one.

  1. A Final Word

The labs at the neighboring schools may also pose threats; if the zombie horde comes from that direction, than my warnings will need to be revised. Also, zombie attacks are rare and isolated events, much like the risk of an envelope containing anthrax the risk of violence with a weapon brought onto school by a student, or the chance of a plane being filled with snakes. These things happen, so a plan should always be in place. After all, IT COULD HAPPEN HERE.

  1. Further Reading

Note: Most of what is previous is blatantly stolen from Uncyclopedia (http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Zombie), and Ozort (http://ozort.org/zombie-handbook/index.php).

They are the experts with the knowledge. I am just a feeble pamphleteer who is trying to do a public service and has no intention of profiting at all from their hard work. I also see no need to use weaker phrasing than the ones they have devised, and so I have, most likely, technically plagiarized.

Also, vote Human and not Zombie. It is enough that they are in our cemeteries, we do not want them in our capitals

This has been a presentation by Foliage PAC, and falls under the provision for handing out political leaflets at school.

Or this is perfectly harmless and we don’t need to be prosecuted. That would be cool too.

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