The Foliage Safer Sex Guide, Vol. 1, Issue 2

Foliage Safer Sex Guide

1. Purpose

Let’s start this off brutally honest – I don’t like you. Any of you, really, and it would do me little good to see more of you in the world. So I am always in favor of you not doing things that could have progeny as a side-effect. Sadly, you somehow tend to manage to overcome your glaring flaws and find willing partners. Since this is obvious proof that this is not my ideal world, more needs to be done. (Note: for those of you who seek to go forth and propagate, I mean you no ill will; if it is willing, deliberate, and appropriate, or even if it isn’t and you still have the gumption to go through with it, you have earned some degree of admiration (not that I’m commending you; I’m saying that takes courage). This is instead intended for those who have no such decent intentions). So, I present you miscreants with this, a tome devised to help you avoid spreading your seed in my fertile earth.

2. Method

For a second shot of brutal honesty, this is a fact that needs facing – you will be having sex, no matter how many times our health books say it is sin (I might be confusing them with bibles. forgive me). So, abstinence is obviously the best way to ensure no future unplanned generations, but it is so freakishly unrealistic that it almost isn’t worth mentioning. Also, an emphasis on abstinence has the added negative effect making serious, informed, intelligent discourse about sex almost impossible, especially in group settings. (Kid who laughs every time he hears the word “condom”, I’m aiming this at you.) Right, with that settled, what follows is a short and hopefully helpful summation of ways to participate in life as is without too much guilt or children.

3. Contents

Condoms – Durex Extra Sensitive Lubricated is best (according to Consumer Reports), and can be found at most gas stations and supermarkets, as well as the places you’d expect to find them. A tad pricey. Other good options are Trojan Lifestyle (affordable and quality) and Planned Parenthood Lollipop (which is free, and not bad).

Hormonal – Exclusively for women, this is really just the fancy term for birth control pills. Properly used, the pill is exceedingly effective (less that 1% failure in typical use); as an added bonus, it prevents menstrual cramps, and lessens the severity of periods, or so I’ve been told. Requires a prescription, which can be issued for severe menstrual pain as well as for other things.

Emergency Contraception – Technically a hormonal method, EC is definitely something worth keeping on hand. Ideally, I’d be telling you this on valentines or the day after, but the weather has riled my arthritis and only now are my joints usable. Back to the point – Emergency Contraception is a godsend, that can prevent a pregnancy even if a condom broke or a pill was missed. Not to used instead of, as they day of taking the pill can be a trying hormonal rush, but it is most definitely better than an unexpected/unplanned child. The hard part is that it requires a prescription if you’re under 18 (some exceptions), and Walgreens, Target, and Wal-Mart all allow their pharmacists to refuse to sell it, if they have moral objections. Or are Scientologists.

4. Resources and Final Note

http://www.plannedparenthood.org

http://www.consumerreports.org/ (search “condoms”)

This is a non-profit creation without any intent other than humor. Not that the information is invalid – only the bias is. This was not done by funding from any leftist social engineering groups, nor was it produced really for any reason at all other than whim. It doesn’t need to be banned, and it isn’t harmful. Also, Foliage is a non-entity, and so cannot be persecuted. Thank you for your time and tolerance in building a less-populated future.