31 March 2008

Special Valentine’s Day Issue: The Bright Side of Teen Pregnancy, Vol. 2 Issue 4

The Foliage Guide to the Bright Side of Teen Pregnancy

In this Foliage Guide, a teen pregnancy (adj. “preggers”, defined by the Urban Dictionary as “Pregnant female, used mainly in the early stages of pregnancy, by moron future (dead-beat) dads. The word itself dates back to Victorian Britain.) is a pregnancy occurring between the ages of 15-19 years old. The United States has a higher instance of teen pregnancies than Chile, Guyana, Canada, the majority of the European Union; every country in Asia except Iran, Pakistan, Yemen, Jordan, the UAE, and Thailand; Australia, and all of North Africa. According to the Guttmacher Institute of New York, New Mexico is one of the five states in the Union where teen birthrates are at their highest.
The Foliage editors were curious as to why the rate of teen pregnancy should be higher here, in the richest, most powerful country in the world, than in almost any other remotely comparable nation. The answer?
Obviously, pregnancy is fun.
This baffled your humble editors for a few minutes, and then we realized that in America, we simply love the miracle of life so much that we just can’t wait until we are “mature” enough, or “prepared” emotionally, financially, or physically enough to bestow upon the world the wonderful gift of screaming, crying, defecating children. Other, less warm and fuzzy countries like France, Germany, Britain, Spain, Portugal, Algeria, Tajikistan, and Estonia cannot possibly fathom the amount of blood, sweat, and hard liquor that we patriotic Americans put into our teen pregnancy rates.
There is a misconception in the Liberal media that teen pregnancy is a bad thing. This is absolutely not true. Such media sell-outs as Walter Cronkite have noted that teen pregnancy has many “bad things” [sic] about it, including the possibility of dropping out of school, limiting one’s options later in life, etc. etc. Obviously, Cronkite would think that these are “bad things” because they limit the number of people entering the Communist-controlled pseudo Free Market. Our goal here at Foliage is to provide you, the intelligent and self-discerning reader with the tools and information you need to make informed and well-guided decisions. Hence the need for today’s “Foliage Guide to the Bright Side of Teen Pregnancy.”
The list of (lucky) 7 “good things” about teen pregnancy:
1. It proves that America’s teens are educated about sexual techniques and positions.
2. It gives you something to do on prom night.
3. You save money by not having to buy expensive and commie-supporting birth control devices.
4. Jesus is still your buddy.
5. It provides a topic for poignant, intellectual, yet funny films such as “Juno” and “Knocked Up.”
6. It changes your perspective on the wide and wonderful world around us.
7. In a few years, America will have an army so swelled by the ranks of the unintended and accidental that we will be able to spread our love of prom-night excess and small, bald lumps of fat from the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli.
After you read this, remember, teen pregnancy is a win-win for everyone involved: the mother, the baby, the dad (if she remembers who he is), and George’s Army of Accidents.

(P.S. Apologies for the late post; I need to figure out a faster method of posting these in a format that everyone can still read, but is faster than cutting the text out of the .indd document.)

(P.P.S. Apparently some people at AHS weren't all to pleased with this Foliage Guide addressing the issue of teen pregnancy. Foliage's official stance on the matter is that this is what Foliage is for. Foliage brings up issues that people may want to keep suppressed, so that a healthy and meaningful discussion of these issues that society has been so reticent to consider might take place, thus making the world a more informed, and hopefully better, place. Either that or we hate children.)

23 March 2008

A Status Update, or, The Reason for the Discrepancy, a Call to Arms, and a Glimpse of What's Next

Even though there have not been any recent web updates, we have had one (soon to be two) new print issues. The reason I have not posted these is because they are in the original InDesign format, which does not lend itself to the web. With school and all, I simply haven't had the time to pull the text out and publish it. When we get back from spring break on Monday, however, I should be able to post the text of our Valentine's Day issue and soon afterwards our NEW, UPDATED, and TRUTHY Student Rights issue (now with guest writers!).

Speaking of guest writers, if anyone reading this knows any 8th, 9th, 10th, or 11th graders with a knack for sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek pseudo-journalism, please contact us at ahsfoliage@gmail.com. (All applicants must be either enrolled or planning to enroll at Albuquerque High School, unless they want to spread Foliage to other APS schools.)

Also, in late April to early May, we will have a special interview issue with one of the prominent thinkers in the world of technology, who happens to also be a blogger, a published author, and a sometime-character in the webcomic "XKCD", among many other things. I won't tell you who it is, but rest assured that it's someone you won't find in the pages of the AHS Record.

Stay tuned.