The Foliage Guide to the Financial Crisis, Vol. 3 Issue 2

Wall Street stricken with Gang Green

You may have heard recently, if you watch the news, or read the paper, or don’t have your head stuck in the ground, that the United States is in the midst of a financial crisis. The reasons for this crisis are varied and of a multiplicital nature. Although many “reputable” news outlets are reporting that the crisis was caused by large banks lending money to people they knew couldn’t pay it back, and then those banks going under because of it, the real reason is raptors and zombies.

We here at Foliage have alerted you to the danger that raptors and zombies pose to our God-fearing society before (see Foliage vol. 1, issues 1 and 6), but never have we seen such widespread chaos due to this menace. Prior to this financial crisis, raptor attacks have only occurred in small, out-of-the-way communities like New Orleans, Louisiana (and you thought Katrina was a hurricane…), but now the raptors are aiming for the main financial artery of our country: Sesame Street Main Street Wall Street.

The most frightening aspect of this crisis is not that the raptors are now dressing in suits and calling for the country to be put on the slippery slope to socialism, oh no, the most frightening thing about this is that the zombies are in cahoots with the raptors in the effort to destabilize the only last beacon of freedom and open-market capitalism in the entire universe: the liberty-loving United States of America, goddammit! The zombies have taken over the executive branch of government, even infecting that stalwart proponent of justice and freedom Dick Cheney. Thank God that our heroic Congress, even weakened as it is by raptor-sympathizers Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and John McCain, was able to vote down the largest bailout of communists in history. However, our brave Representatives in Congress were unable to block further attempts to pass such an anti-American piece of “legislation.”

At this point, as a loyal American and freedom-loving reader of Foliage, you must be asking,
“How can I stop the raptors from turning my country into a communist gulag?”

The answer, Americans, is to grab your guns and your money and shoot anything that asks you for either in the name of “charity” or “peace.” That’s just raptor-speak for “birth control” and “universal healthcare.” The country is headed into the worst financial crisis since the Panic of 1893, and the raptors on Wall Street and the zombies on Capitol Hill want nothing more than to use this opportunity to create the world’s largest socialist welfare state. We cannot let them win. We cannot allow our great country to be turned into a haven for beggars and cheese-eating surrender monkeys!

In summary, the US financial crisis was caused by communist raptors in league with congressional zombies promoting birth control and socialism.

STRENGTH THROUGH PURITY.
PURITY THROUGH FAITH.

The News - Volume 3, Issue 1

[Editor’s Note: The following article is used with permission from SatireWire.com. It is not under the Creative Commons License that AHS Foliage is under. You may laugh at it, you may be confused by it, but frankly, you can’t do much more.]

High School Students Demand Wars in Easier-to-Find Countries
“How Come No One Fights in Big Famous Nations Anymore?” They Ask

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — A delegation of American high school students today demanded the United States stop waging war in obscure nations such as Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Bosnia-Herzegovina, and instead attack places they’ve actually heard of, such as France, Australia, and Austria, unless, they said, those last two are the same country.
“Shouldn’t we, as Americans, get to decide where wars are?” asked sophomore Kate Shermansky.
“People claim we don’t know as much geography as our parents and grandparents, but it’s so not our fault,” Josh Beldoni, a senior at Fischer High School in Los Angeles, told the Senate Armed Services Committee. “Back then they only had wars in, like, Germany and England, but we’re supposed to know about places like Somalia and Massachusetts.”
“Macedonia,” corrected committee Chairman Carl Levin of Michigan.
“See?” said Beldoni.
Beldoni’s frustration was shared by nearly three dozen students at the hearing, who blamed the U.S. military for making them look bad.
“I totally support our soldiers and all that, but I am seriously failing both geography and social studies because I keep getting asked to find Croatia or Yemvrekia, or whatever bizarre-o country we send troops to,” said Amelia Nash, a junior at Clark High School in Orlando, Fla. “Can’t we fight in, like, Italy? It’s boot-shaped.”
Chairman Levin however, explained that Italy was a U.S. ally, and that intervention is usually in response to a specific threat.
“OK, what about Arulco?” interrupted Tyler Boone, a senior at Bellevue High School in Wisconsin. “That’s a country in Jagged Alliance 2 run by the evil Queen Deidranna. I’m totally familiar with that place. She’s a major threat.”
“Jagged...?” said Levin.
“Alliance. It’s a computer game.”
“Well, no,” Levin answered. “We can’t attack a fictional country.”
“Yeah right,” Boone mumbled. “Like Grenada was real.”
The students’ testimony was supported by a cross-section of high school geography teachers, who urged the committee to help lay a solid foundation for America’s young people by curtailing any intervention abroad.
“Since the anti-terror war began, most of my students can now point to Afghanistan on a map, which is fine, but those same kids still don’t know the capitals of Nevada and Ohio,” said Richard Gerber, who teaches at Rhymony High School in Atlanta. “I think we need to cut back on our activities overseas and take care of business at home, and if that means invading Tallahassee (Fla.) or Trenton (N.J.) so that students learn where they are, so be it.”
“I’ve always wanted to stick it to Hartford (Conn.),” said Sen. Lincoln Chafee of Rhode Island. “Oh sh*t, is my microphone on?”
The hearing adjourned after six hours. An estimated 2,000 more students were expected to hold a march in the nation’s capital, but forgot which city it was in.
(Copyright © 1999-2002 SatireWire)


[Editor’s Note: This is an official Foliage article, written by a member of the Foliage staff.]

Eve Exonerated?

JERUSALEM — Startling new evidence in the case of Adam and Eve has been released today by the Biblical Claims Squad of the Israeli National Police Department.
Modern DNA testing has confirmed that Eve was not, as was previously believed, the tempter of Adam and the one who partook of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. This has been one of the most controversial stories of modern history, which began about 5,999 years ago.
Said Detective Inspector Jan Goldmanowitz of the Biblical Claims Squad, “finally we have solid, modern, irrefutable, true, and uncorrupted proof that Eve did not bite the apple. What kinds of implications does this have? Who knows how many errors in translation there are? God’s words are obviously not coming through clearly, and we need to clean out our ears. With science.”
Despite the enthusiasm and praise of many women’s rights groups, evangelicals have been quick to decry the testing. “We hear God fine, thank you very much,” said Pastor, Football Coach, and All-Around American Frank McAbel, “DNA testing is only 99.996% reliable, how can we trust something that has a disaccuracy rate of .004%? I know I can’t. That’s why I don’t use birth control. Can’t trust it.”
Other prominent religious figures were also outraged at the perceived credibility of the findings. In a statement issued by the Office of Papal-Scientific Affairs, the Vatican stated that “DNA testing is not recognized by the Catholic Church, or any of its subsidiary companies, as it is based on the Theory of Evolution, the Theory of Gravity, the Special Theory of Relativity, the General Theory of Relativity, the Big Bang Theory, Cell Theory, Atomic Theory, Critical Pedagogy Theory, Game Theory, the theory of Plate Tectonics, Chaos Theory, Music Theory, Proof Theory, and Social Theory. Therefore, DNA science cannot be proven and I am not the father. What? Not that? Oh, right, Eve. Therefore, it cannot be proven that Eve was not the one who did not refuse to partake of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge.”
Due to the low number of humans around at the time, none of these assertions can be absolutely confirmed or refuted.
The office of The Almighty was contacted for a comment on this story, but has not returned our messages at the time of this printing.

Changes

First off, AHS Foliage has a new email, foliagespeaks@gmail.com. We were having technical problems with the old one, so if you want to contact the staff of AHS Foliage, leave a comment on this blog or send us an email at the aforementioned address.

Secondly, a new issue of Foliage is out and about at AHS and will be up on the blog shortly. The General Secretary has also made the arbitrary decision to post PDFs or JPGs of the issues because they're just so darn purty in print and so ugly in hypertext.

Expect to see the new issue (which is leading up to the next "big" issue on Privacy, which should be out in a month or so, before the election) up here within the week. Also a reminder that you can subscribe to our RSS feed by clicking the link at the bottom of the right-hand column.

Pride and Prejudice, Vol. 2 Issue 7

The Foliage Study of School Spirit and Nationalism

Albuquerque High School is a lot like a country. We have administrators, a bureaucracy the left hand of which doesn’t know what the right hand is doing, limited freedoms (see Volume 1 Issue 3 and Volume 2 Issue 5), and pride. The focus of this issue of Foliage will be on this last feature.
National pride is something that almost every country in the world has. It is the driving force behind many decisions, it inspires citizens, and it affects the economy. However, as the French proverb (more like creed) goes: “all things in moderation.” This is true for food, wine, and like so many other things, nationalism.
Without nationalism, a country quickly dies from the inside out, its core, citizens, rotting away and soon, without support from the populace, the nation swiftly crumbles under its own weight. The prime example of this is the demise of the Soviet Union in the late 1980s and early 1990s. Without national pride, and with the huge weight of military spending, a corrupt bureaucracy, and the threat of nuclear war constantly bearing down on it, the Soviet Union collapsed incredibly quickly for a nation of its size and power.
Contrastingly, the United States went on to become the world’s predominant superpower. The reasons for this are varied and sometimes confusing, but for the purposes of this issue, we will assume that the United States stayed afloat because of the nationalism of its citizens.
After the end of the Cold War, however, the need for this intense McCarthy-esque nationalism had passed. However, the United States stubbornly held on to it. All over the world, countries were discarding their militant nationalism in favor of a newfound sense of international cooperation. Intergovernmental organizations flourished. The United Nations overcame its Cold War-era paralysis, the European Union grew from a simple trade collective to a continent-wide inter-nation governing body with authority over millions of people.
The United States, though, hung on to the sense of nationalism that had both served it through the Cold War, and was now propelling it into the single slot labeled “Superpower” in the 21st century.

But how does this relate to Albuquerque High, you ask?

Albuquerque High, as explained in the beginning of this issue, is much like a nation. As such, it also has a sense of “national” pride – school spirit. This school spirit is inspired by the school’s sports teams, its achievements, and, sometimes, by its academic prowess.
School spirit is a good thing. In moderation.
In America today, nationalism, national pride, is such a high priority that it distracts from what a democratic government’s duties to its people are: to protect, provide for, and serve them. Any questioning of the government’s motives immediately becomes an attack on America itself, an attack on the entire nation’s national pride.
In the same way, Albuquerque High School’s school spirit distracts from what this school’s founding priorities are – or should be – those being to educate, protect, and serve the students and citizens of the city of Albuquerque. AHS has lost track of these priorities and now places athletic achievement and the glory of the nation, excuse me, the school, over academic achievement and the things that will allow the students of Albuquerque High to apply for, and be accepted to competitive colleges and competitive jobs.
This rabid school spirit, blind to everything except its own goals, is a symptom of the climate in America today. America as a country is experiencing a much larger case of this overeager nationalism.

But is this good or bad?

Although some may see this powerful nationalism in America as a whole and the various sublevels of American society as a benefit and a good thing that will help America, anything that blinds both a country (or an institution) to its own goals and priorities and the citizens (or students) of a democratic nation, is a detriment to society, an impediment to peace and the antithesis of freedom and democracy.

All things in moderation.


(Note: two comics were included in this issue, they are posted as is below. Both contributors are students at Albuquerque High School.)

The Foliage Guide to Little Brother, Vol. 2 Issue 6

I. The Official Foliage Review of Cory Doctorow’s Latest Novel, Little Brother

As a disclaimer, let me first inform you of my love for all things containing pirates, video games, cryptography, and spicy food. Little Brother, blogger Cory Doctorow’s latest novel, contains all these elements of a fantastic piece of literature... and more. Doctorow is a co-editor of the blog Boing Boing, a Fellow of the Electronic Frontier Foundation, and author of several Creative Commons-licensed books, including the Nebula Award-nominated shortstory, “0wnz0red.”
Little Brother, Doctorow’s latest novel, and his first aimed at teens, is the story of Marcus “w1n5t0n” Yallow, leader of a small group of gamers and hackers. When “the worst terrorist attack since 9/11” hits San Francisco, Marcus’s hometown, Marcus and his friends are caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, hauled off by the Department of Homeland Security, and forced to prove they aren’t terrorists. The teens endure harsh imprisonment, and even treatment that may (or may not, if your American family values level is set to “Severe” today) be called torture. Once released, Marcus sets his sights on the entity that deprived him of his liberty, disappeared his best friend, and turned his city into a police state: the DHS.
One part Bible for the tech-aware teen, and one part gripping dystopian drama, Little Brother manages to found its exciting storyline in more fact than the average work of historical fiction. Filled with detailed descriptions of modern technologies like public-key cryptography, DNS servers, and school security systems, this book shows how fine a line we walk between “safe” and “sheep.” Reading it, I felt by turns inspired, aghast, and paranoid.
Little Brother asks tough questions like “Who are the terrorists? The ones who bomb, or the ones who exploit the fear?” Cory Doctorow has created a work potentially as influential for this generation as Orson Wells’ 1984 or Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World, the classic dystopian predictions, were for the last generation. Technology is the next frontier in security and privacy, with implications ranging from the political and social to the religious and cultural. The modern American dystopia this book projects is just one possibility that could be realized in the very near future.
I love and recommend Little Brother, not just because its story was so enthralling that it kept me up until two in the morning, but because it contains very real truths about American society today and where we are headed tomorrow.

Little Brother is available April 29 in bookstores everywhere.


II. A Foliage-Exclusive Interview With Cory Doctorow

Foliage: Tell us a little about yourself.
Cory Doctorow: I’m 36, a Canadian who lives in Britain, and I write novels when I’m not playing with my newborn daughter or blogging.
F: Why did you write Little Brother?
CD: Because we need to start talking, NOW, about how we’re going to keep computers from turning into systems that control us, rather than systems that empower us.
F: What experience do you have in privacy and security matters?
CD: I served as the European Director of the Electronic Frontier Foundation, a civil liberties organization devoted to upholding traditional liberties (especially the First, Fourth, and Eighth Amendments) in the online world.
F: How did you ensure that your characters would resemble real modern teens?
CD: Well, I guess I’m a real modern adult, which means I inhabit the same world as the characters in the book, albeit a different strata of it. Teens through the ages have had a lot in common when it comes to their concerns, cadence and voice, so I just winged it!
F: Why should today’s teens care about this?
CD: We’re on the verge of an era when computers no longer help us, but rather serve to control us. When that happens, we’re in big trouble, because we’ll lose the ability to use the Internet to organize movements to challenge authority, and without it, authority will grow and grow.
F: Could the scenario played out in your book every really happen?
CD: Would the US ever treat its own citizens as presumptive criminals and terrorists? Sadly, I think the answer is yes. The DHS and US Attorney’s Office are already treating people like animal rights protestors and others as though they were Jihadis bent on crashing airplanes into buildings, as opposed to legitimate participants in political discourse.


If you would like a pdf of this issue (it includes several pictures and a new, spiffy layout!) then please contact the Foliage General Secretary at ahsfoliage@gmail.com.

The Foliage Guide To Student Rights, Vol. 2 Issue 5

I. Why Students Should Never Be Allowed to Ever Have Any Rights, Because of the Inherent Risks to Our Family-Oriented Society and National Security
by the Foliage General Secretary

This issue of Foliage aims to resolve the question, “Should students have rights?” I grappled with this topic, but I have come to the conclusion that for the safety of our nation, our families, and our society as a whole, the rights of students should be limited to picking their own seat at lunch (which itself should be subject to reasonable and security-minded restrictions).
We realize that many students feel that at the schools they attend, especially our bastion of academic achievement and opportunity, Albuquerque High, there is simply too much room for indecision. Various explanations have been proposed as to why this is, such as “it’s something in the water,” “the field of exploration is too broad and wide open,” or (by far the most common) “Timmy just likes shiny things!” We believe that this is a travesty against the best interests of our national braintrust, our investment as a country, our future televangelists, governors of New York, or mayors of Detroit: our children. Children, especially high schoolers, who are at a turning point in their lives, require structure, order, organization, and discipline in every facet of their lives. School, being the primary activity with which school-aged children fill their days, has an even greater need for these things, if not for the benefit of the child as an individual, then for the benefit of all children.
It is with these issues in mind that I therefore propose the eradication of student rights as a means to provide structure, rigor, and organization to our young people, who will, as they age, become the young leaders, the middle aged blue-collar workers, the elderly MediCare dependants, and the creepy Family Guy-esque guys-down-the-street. Students will only learn if we can eliminate all distractions from their lives. Student rights provide too many degrees of freedom to our students and can limit the ability of school administrators to dictate every aspect of student life and learning.
Moreover, student rights can be a serious threat to our national security. Just because no student has yet attempted a hostile takeover of the military-industrial complex doesn’t mean it won’t happen soon. Simply the fact that it hasn’t happened yet is testament to the superb governance and oversight capabilities of our school administrators and the bureaucracy as a gelatinous, all-encompassing, glob-like whole. For example, the valiant effort to suppress pornography and subversive ideas (by blocking History.com, among other sites) has saved countless young American souls.
Students should never be afforded more rights than is absolutely necessary, for if we give them too much freedom, they may come up with new ideas that challenge the very foundations of our God-fearing, law-abiding, inbred, ingrained society. I think we can all agree that the consequences of such a revolution in political, social, and economic thought would be disastrous for our American society and the global society at large.


II. Free-Range Students, or, the Truth of Freedom and the Right to Fail
by Sir Oreo d'Uh-Oh

Freedom. This word gets thrown around quite frequently by politicians and lawmakers today, but do they know what it means? As a guest writer for Foliage, I was forced to consider the question, “Should students have every right, known or unknown, to man?” My answer is yes. Students have suffered for too long at the hands of corrupt and incompetent bureaucratic officials. Even today there are movements to restrict our students’ freedoms to picking their seat at lunch, so long as the seat they picked was the seat that was assigned to them. The time for revolution is now.
The Students Against Restricted Rights and Stuff (SARRS) is an underground organization founded in the 1950’s that has been brooding over this issue for years now. Critics of the group point out that their philosophy, which embraces complete and unrestricted freedom, has severely limited their ability to organize, but several of their attempts have neared success (In 1970, one of their more well organized coups ended when the leader decided that he felt streaking at graduation was “his right,” and that “the man can’t hold [him] down.”) Regardless, it cannot be argued that their cause is not noble. Well, it can be if someone wants to.
Students today face an especially oppressive situation. Policy has been written in recent years that requires high schoolers in Bulldog City to fill out a “Next Step Plan.” Not only does this “plan” funnel students towards career paths that they may not care for or care to care for, it limits a right that many people overlook: the right to fail. Superintendents and congresspeople have always acted under the assumption that teenagers want to succeed, or that they’ll at least “be thankful later.” This, my friend, is wrong. Many of the teens that I encounter in the hallway would rather be sitting at home watching T.V. or simply “chillin’.” When I ask them what they think about school, many respond with phrases such as, “Flip* school,” or “flipping* school sucks” (* the word “flip” has been used as a replacement for a more vulgar term, a term that we would be able to use freely and eloquently in a truly “free” society.) Should officials be able to determine that these opinions are not valid? More importantly, can they prove that these statements are not valid?
As the years grind on, there is no doubt in my mind that students’ rights will be increasingly limited—The “Next Step Plan” is only the first step. “Core” curriculum is destined to metastasize and eventually replace all electives, even when studies prove that standard classes “boring-ize” (the more accepted term is “standardize”) an education. The time for revolution is now, and every student is obligated to join in. Well, unless they don’t want to. And I’m not saying it should be a quiet revolution, but I’m not saying it shouldn’t, ya dig?

Special Valentine’s Day Issue: The Bright Side of Teen Pregnancy, Vol. 2 Issue 4

The Foliage Guide to the Bright Side of Teen Pregnancy

In this Foliage Guide, a teen pregnancy (adj. “preggers”, defined by the Urban Dictionary as “Pregnant female, used mainly in the early stages of pregnancy, by moron future (dead-beat) dads. The word itself dates back to Victorian Britain.) is a pregnancy occurring between the ages of 15-19 years old. The United States has a higher instance of teen pregnancies than Chile, Guyana, Canada, the majority of the European Union; every country in Asia except Iran, Pakistan, Yemen, Jordan, the UAE, and Thailand; Australia, and all of North Africa. According to the Guttmacher Institute of New York, New Mexico is one of the five states in the Union where teen birthrates are at their highest.
The Foliage editors were curious as to why the rate of teen pregnancy should be higher here, in the richest, most powerful country in the world, than in almost any other remotely comparable nation. The answer?
Obviously, pregnancy is fun.
This baffled your humble editors for a few minutes, and then we realized that in America, we simply love the miracle of life so much that we just can’t wait until we are “mature” enough, or “prepared” emotionally, financially, or physically enough to bestow upon the world the wonderful gift of screaming, crying, defecating children. Other, less warm and fuzzy countries like France, Germany, Britain, Spain, Portugal, Algeria, Tajikistan, and Estonia cannot possibly fathom the amount of blood, sweat, and hard liquor that we patriotic Americans put into our teen pregnancy rates.
There is a misconception in the Liberal media that teen pregnancy is a bad thing. This is absolutely not true. Such media sell-outs as Walter Cronkite have noted that teen pregnancy has many “bad things” [sic] about it, including the possibility of dropping out of school, limiting one’s options later in life, etc. etc. Obviously, Cronkite would think that these are “bad things” because they limit the number of people entering the Communist-controlled pseudo Free Market. Our goal here at Foliage is to provide you, the intelligent and self-discerning reader with the tools and information you need to make informed and well-guided decisions. Hence the need for today’s “Foliage Guide to the Bright Side of Teen Pregnancy.”
The list of (lucky) 7 “good things” about teen pregnancy:
1. It proves that America’s teens are educated about sexual techniques and positions.
2. It gives you something to do on prom night.
3. You save money by not having to buy expensive and commie-supporting birth control devices.
4. Jesus is still your buddy.
5. It provides a topic for poignant, intellectual, yet funny films such as “Juno” and “Knocked Up.”
6. It changes your perspective on the wide and wonderful world around us.
7. In a few years, America will have an army so swelled by the ranks of the unintended and accidental that we will be able to spread our love of prom-night excess and small, bald lumps of fat from the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli.
After you read this, remember, teen pregnancy is a win-win for everyone involved: the mother, the baby, the dad (if she remembers who he is), and George’s Army of Accidents.

(P.S. Apologies for the late post; I need to figure out a faster method of posting these in a format that everyone can still read, but is faster than cutting the text out of the .indd document.)

(P.P.S. Apparently some people at AHS weren't all to pleased with this Foliage Guide addressing the issue of teen pregnancy. Foliage's official stance on the matter is that this is what Foliage is for. Foliage brings up issues that people may want to keep suppressed, so that a healthy and meaningful discussion of these issues that society has been so reticent to consider might take place, thus making the world a more informed, and hopefully better, place. Either that or we hate children.)

A Status Update, or, The Reason for the Discrepancy, a Call to Arms, and a Glimpse of What's Next

Even though there have not been any recent web updates, we have had one (soon to be two) new print issues. The reason I have not posted these is because they are in the original InDesign format, which does not lend itself to the web. With school and all, I simply haven't had the time to pull the text out and publish it. When we get back from spring break on Monday, however, I should be able to post the text of our Valentine's Day issue and soon afterwards our NEW, UPDATED, and TRUTHY Student Rights issue (now with guest writers!).

Speaking of guest writers, if anyone reading this knows any 8th, 9th, 10th, or 11th graders with a knack for sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek pseudo-journalism, please contact us at ahsfoliage@gmail.com. (All applicants must be either enrolled or planning to enroll at Albuquerque High School, unless they want to spread Foliage to other APS schools.)

Also, in late April to early May, we will have a special interview issue with one of the prominent thinkers in the world of technology, who happens to also be a blogger, a published author, and a sometime-character in the webcomic "XKCD", among many other things. I won't tell you who it is, but rest assured that it's someone you won't find in the pages of the AHS Record.

Stay tuned.

To Protect and Educate, Vol. 2 Issue 3

To Protect and Educate: The Foliage Guide to Armed Student Resource Officers

Foliage would like to proudly proclaim a brave new era in the realm of Zombie Preparedness, though certain detractors believe that newly armed security guards are an unnecessary precaution against an overblown threat.

The zombie menace is one that has shadowed our human existence for millennia, from the time of Jesus and the Roman Undead Extermination of 2 Anno Domini (A.D. [C.E.]) to the modern documentary "Shaun of the Dead." This threat is extant in all parts of the world, especially here at Albuquerque High School, with our proximity to the local cemetery. Our student body has, in response to this reanimated threat, armed itself with all manner of weaponry.

This self-protection by the students of our school has been sufficient to keep the zombies at bay. Recently, however, our municipal school board voted to arm the Student Resource Officers (enforcers of the law at our school) throughout the district.

Is this a step too far? How many guns are too many guns? These are valid questions in our modern, security-aware and family values-oriented society. The district is obviously concerned with our safety as students, and our learning in a sheltered, secure environment is a stated primary concern of the Albuquerque Public Schools District. However, at what point does security restrict the learning process so much that it outweighs the risks associated with an insecure campus?

Never.

There is no liberty too great that it cannot be sacrificed for safety and the preservation of the American family. To paraphrase Ben Franklin's less well-known quote on the subject, he who gives up essential security for temporary liberty, deserves to be eaten.

Students under the ever-vigilant and watchful eyes of armed security personnel have been proven to be 29% more efficient while bubbling in ScanTron sheets by a recent study at the Glorious National People's University of Venezuela, sponsored by President Hugo Chavez. If we remove the guns from this perfect classroom scenario, where all children, regardless of academic ability or potential are grouped together in a homogeneous, non-achievement based classroom setting, then the entire structure of order falls apart, and the answer to the question "is our children learning?" becomes painfully clear: no.

Furthermore, as the global economy is entering a new and exciting phase, students who graduate (or not) from the high schools in this district need to know how to function coolly and and effectively while in the vicinity of a firearm. Armed security guards help make sure that AHS is a school whose student body's capabilities in this arena is unprecedented.

Armed security guards are a boon to Albuquerque High and the greater community this school serves. Well versed in both zombie preparation and high-pressure claim-staking, our student body will go on to great careers as the future best and brightest of the seamy underbelly. This institution would have failed as a public school if it had been any other way.

The Robots Issue, Vol. 2 Issue 2

[Editorial Note: We apologize for the delay. High school isn't a pointless waste of time you know! Pah!]

The Foliage Guide to Environmental Destruction, Part 1 of Many

As students of Albuquerque High School, you may have noticed as you enter the east parking lot of the school that there are trees in the parking lot. (If you are unfamiliar with the concept of trees being used for aesthetic purposes, you may be interested to know that in some parts of the world, people group trees together, along with grass and, as often as not, playground equipment. These odd areas of recreation are called "parks.")

As in any democracy, we must ask ourselves the question, "Why have these trees been installed in our once beautiful and pristine slab of tarmac? Why are we using funding that could otherwise go to fund new lockers for our band, funding that could be used to create natural light installations (commonly called windows) in our classrooms?"

The answer my friends, is the Robot Invasion.

Please allow me to digress from the point I was making to explain what may seem like a backwards argument. This past summer, Albuquerque High School saw a changing of the guard, as it were. Our former principal, Linda Sink, was reassigned to the APS Senior Official Sub-Nebulae Planetary Division Albuquerque Garrison Office of Assistant Superintendent in Charge of Everything. Our new principal, Mr. McCorkel, was duly appointed to take charge of our learning. At least, that's what we know for certain. You see, Mr. McCorkel has obviously been trained by the Albuquerque Public Schools Intergalactic Bureaucracy in the latest methods of combating the imminent Robot Invasion. He must have done very well in his anti-robot studies and it is for that reason that he was posted here, to AHS.

With this information, the reason we have spent our badly needed funding on trees becomes painfully clear. The Robot Invasion is coming, and to combat it, Principal McCorkel has taken the bold offensive step of planting trees in our most exposed and vulnerable areas.

However, while this goal of defeating the robots is admirable, it is ultimately unattainable and foolhardy. These robots seek not to observe and to study, but to come, to see, and to conquer. And they shall; there is no doubt about it in the foremost scientific minds of our day.

To save ourselves from enslavement by our robotic overlords, we must prepare an environment for them that will be pleasing to their optical sensors. We must destroy the trees, and all other aesthetically motivated architectural and landscaping designs, including grass, windows, and shag carpeting. We must replace these things with gaudy paints, uncovered metal duct work, and other things that will please our new masters. The very sight of trees and all things "natural" will only infuriate them further, and really, there's no need for that, now is there?

We, the students of Albuquerque High School must make the first move and must endeavour to move away from our aesthetically-oriented, tree-hugging, carbon-centric world to prepare for the coming robot invasion, for the first words of our robotic masters shall be "01010110 01100101 01101110 01101001 00101100 00100000 01010110 01101001 01100100 01101001
00101100 00100000 01010110 01101001 01100011 01101001 00100001"

Remember those words; they shall be the first words of a new era. Of Robots.