To Protect and Educate, Vol. 2 Issue 3

To Protect and Educate: The Foliage Guide to Armed Student Resource Officers

Foliage would like to proudly proclaim a brave new era in the realm of Zombie Preparedness, though certain detractors believe that newly armed security guards are an unnecessary precaution against an overblown threat.

The zombie menace is one that has shadowed our human existence for millennia, from the time of Jesus and the Roman Undead Extermination of 2 Anno Domini (A.D. [C.E.]) to the modern documentary "Shaun of the Dead." This threat is extant in all parts of the world, especially here at Albuquerque High School, with our proximity to the local cemetery. Our student body has, in response to this reanimated threat, armed itself with all manner of weaponry.

This self-protection by the students of our school has been sufficient to keep the zombies at bay. Recently, however, our municipal school board voted to arm the Student Resource Officers (enforcers of the law at our school) throughout the district.

Is this a step too far? How many guns are too many guns? These are valid questions in our modern, security-aware and family values-oriented society. The district is obviously concerned with our safety as students, and our learning in a sheltered, secure environment is a stated primary concern of the Albuquerque Public Schools District. However, at what point does security restrict the learning process so much that it outweighs the risks associated with an insecure campus?

Never.

There is no liberty too great that it cannot be sacrificed for safety and the preservation of the American family. To paraphrase Ben Franklin's less well-known quote on the subject, he who gives up essential security for temporary liberty, deserves to be eaten.

Students under the ever-vigilant and watchful eyes of armed security personnel have been proven to be 29% more efficient while bubbling in ScanTron sheets by a recent study at the Glorious National People's University of Venezuela, sponsored by President Hugo Chavez. If we remove the guns from this perfect classroom scenario, where all children, regardless of academic ability or potential are grouped together in a homogeneous, non-achievement based classroom setting, then the entire structure of order falls apart, and the answer to the question "is our children learning?" becomes painfully clear: no.

Furthermore, as the global economy is entering a new and exciting phase, students who graduate (or not) from the high schools in this district need to know how to function coolly and and effectively while in the vicinity of a firearm. Armed security guards help make sure that AHS is a school whose student body's capabilities in this arena is unprecedented.

Armed security guards are a boon to Albuquerque High and the greater community this school serves. Well versed in both zombie preparation and high-pressure claim-staking, our student body will go on to great careers as the future best and brightest of the seamy underbelly. This institution would have failed as a public school if it had been any other way.