09 January 2008

To Protect and Educate, Vol. 2 Issue 3

To Protect and Educate: The Foliage Guide to Armed Student Resource Officers

Foliage would like to proudly proclaim a brave new era in the realm of Zombie Preparedness, though certain detractors believe that newly armed security guards are an unnecessary precaution against an overblown threat.

The zombie menace is one that has shadowed our human existence for millennia, from the time of Jesus and the Roman Undead Extermination of 2 Anno Domini (A.D. [C.E.]) to the modern documentary "Shaun of the Dead." This threat is extant in all parts of the world, especially here at Albuquerque High School, with our proximity to the local cemetery. Our student body has, in response to this reanimated threat, armed itself with all manner of weaponry.

This self-protection by the students of our school has been sufficient to keep the zombies at bay. Recently, however, our municipal school board voted to arm the Student Resource Officers (enforcers of the law at our school) throughout the district.

Is this a step too far? How many guns are too many guns? These are valid questions in our modern, security-aware and family values-oriented society. The district is obviously concerned with our safety as students, and our learning in a sheltered, secure environment is a stated primary concern of the Albuquerque Public Schools District. However, at what point does security restrict the learning process so much that it outweighs the risks associated with an insecure campus?


There is no liberty too great that it cannot be sacrificed for safety and the preservation of the American family. To paraphrase Ben Franklin's less well-known quote on the subject, he who gives up essential security for temporary liberty, deserves to be eaten.

Students under the ever-vigilant and watchful eyes of armed security personnel have been proven to be 29% more efficient while bubbling in ScanTron sheets by a recent study at the Glorious National People's University of Venezuela, sponsored by President Hugo Chavez. If we remove the guns from this perfect classroom scenario, where all children, regardless of academic ability or potential are grouped together in a homogeneous, non-achievement based classroom setting, then the entire structure of order falls apart, and the answer to the question "is our children learning?" becomes painfully clear: no.

Furthermore, as the global economy is entering a new and exciting phase, students who graduate (or not) from the high schools in this district need to know how to function coolly and and effectively while in the vicinity of a firearm. Armed security guards help make sure that AHS is a school whose student body's capabilities in this arena is unprecedented.

Armed security guards are a boon to Albuquerque High and the greater community this school serves. Well versed in both zombie preparation and high-pressure claim-staking, our student body will go on to great careers as the future best and brightest of the seamy underbelly. This institution would have failed as a public school if it had been any other way.

The Robots Issue, Vol. 2 Issue 2

[Editorial Note: We apologize for the delay. High school isn't a pointless waste of time you know! Pah!]

The Foliage Guide to Environmental Destruction, Part 1 of Many

As students of Albuquerque High School, you may have noticed as you enter the east parking lot of the school that there are trees in the parking lot. (If you are unfamiliar with the concept of trees being used for aesthetic purposes, you may be interested to know that in some parts of the world, people group trees together, along with grass and, as often as not, playground equipment. These odd areas of recreation are called "parks.")

As in any democracy, we must ask ourselves the question, "Why have these trees been installed in our once beautiful and pristine slab of tarmac? Why are we using funding that could otherwise go to fund new lockers for our band, funding that could be used to create natural light installations (commonly called windows) in our classrooms?"

The answer my friends, is the Robot Invasion.

Please allow me to digress from the point I was making to explain what may seem like a backwards argument. This past summer, Albuquerque High School saw a changing of the guard, as it were. Our former principal, Linda Sink, was reassigned to the APS Senior Official Sub-Nebulae Planetary Division Albuquerque Garrison Office of Assistant Superintendent in Charge of Everything. Our new principal, Mr. McCorkel, was duly appointed to take charge of our learning. At least, that's what we know for certain. You see, Mr. McCorkel has obviously been trained by the Albuquerque Public Schools Intergalactic Bureaucracy in the latest methods of combating the imminent Robot Invasion. He must have done very well in his anti-robot studies and it is for that reason that he was posted here, to AHS.

With this information, the reason we have spent our badly needed funding on trees becomes painfully clear. The Robot Invasion is coming, and to combat it, Principal McCorkel has taken the bold offensive step of planting trees in our most exposed and vulnerable areas.

However, while this goal of defeating the robots is admirable, it is ultimately unattainable and foolhardy. These robots seek not to observe and to study, but to come, to see, and to conquer. And they shall; there is no doubt about it in the foremost scientific minds of our day.

To save ourselves from enslavement by our robotic overlords, we must prepare an environment for them that will be pleasing to their optical sensors. We must destroy the trees, and all other aesthetically motivated architectural and landscaping designs, including grass, windows, and shag carpeting. We must replace these things with gaudy paints, uncovered metal duct work, and other things that will please our new masters. The very sight of trees and all things "natural" will only infuriate them further, and really, there's no need for that, now is there?

We, the students of Albuquerque High School must make the first move and must endeavour to move away from our aesthetically-oriented, tree-hugging, carbon-centric world to prepare for the coming robot invasion, for the first words of our robotic masters shall be "01010110 01100101 01101110 01101001 00101100 00100000 01010110 01101001 01100100 01101001
00101100 00100000 01010110 01101001 01100011 01101001 00100001"

Remember those words; they shall be the first words of a new era. Of Robots.